We always win. We always have. We ALWAYS will.

The Golden Compass is a movie based on a series of books according to the writer the movie is about 'killing god' the question then becomes is it a movie about challenging authority or is it simply what it seems. Comment with your thoughts and answer my questionaire above.

Time for Happy Thoughts

It's been 13 days since my last blog entry and things have been...difficult to put it nicely which is once again why I have not blogged. If you want more information on that feel free to check out my bear's ice cave. He actually wound up NEEDING to vent about it...I've just been trying to sleep it away. But I stumbled across something today that I need to blog so I will remember it.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

It is an adaptation of the same thoughts from Al-anon.

My First Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I love about my husband: 1. I love it when I wake to see your smiling face, it reminds me that no matter how bad things are I've always got someone by my side. 2. I love it when we sit in comfortable silence, simply enjoying one anothers presense. 3. I love it when you hold me when I'm weak and remind me both that I am and why I am strong. 4. I love it when you laugh with true glee, it reminds me that there is always something to be happy about. 5. I love it when you wear silly things and don't care what others think. It reminds me that there is a child inside which must always be nurtured. 6. I love it when you sing, because that is one of the times you greatest express your joy. 7. I love that mischevious glint you get in your eyes when you have a surprise planned. It reminds me that you care. 8. I love it when you remind me to eat...it reminds me that even when I'm not watching out for myself...someone is. 9. I love it when you do those goofy things that you do, simply because you can, it reminds me of the true meaning of freedom. 10. I love it when cook at night...so I can come home, and just enjoy dinner with you. 11. I love it when you help me to rearrange my schedule so that I am married only to you...rather than to my job as well. 12. I love it when you remind me of all of those things that I've always wanted to do...just to help me remember that it's possible and see the progress already made 13. Lastly I love you...just for being you. Forever and Always...an Eternity of Eternities. I thank the gods for every day I wake to see you there and I sometimes do no feel that I tell you that often enough.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Just when I needed it.

I've been feeling like I'm being foolish, having waited so long to return to work...it doesn't help but feel like there is no way I'll finish school in two years...this has been mentioned in conversation to Kelly, whose sort of become an unofficial mentor of mine. She's great when it comes to providing moral support so I felt obligated to share what she said helped her get through school too.

DEAR ABBY: This is a long overdue thank-you. Nine years ago, I decided to go back to school to become a teacher. I didn't know if I really wanted to return to school at my age because I would be 40 upon graduating. Then I read a letter in your column about someone in a similar situation. After thinking about your answer to that question, I decided to enroll.
In no time at all, I completed my studies and went to work in a wonderful elementary school with a great staff and precious children. Now I actually enjoy going to work every day.
I'll be forever grateful, Abby, for that little "push" I needed to get me started. If you print this, please do not mention my name, city or state. -- GRATEFUL IN THE GOLDEN WEST

DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you for an upper of a letter. The item you are referring to was published many years ago -- and for anyone who is unfamiliar with it, here it is! It is a letter that I'm proud to say has changed many lives for the better. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old college dropout whose lifelong ambition was to be a physician. I have a very good job selling pharmaceutical supplies, but my heart is still in the practice of medicine. I do volunteer work at the local hospital on my time off, and people tell me I would have made a wonderful doctor.

If I go back to college and get my degree, then go to medical school, do my internship and finally get into the actual practice of medicine, it will take me seven years! But, Abby, in seven years I will be 43 years old. What do you think? -- UNFULFILLED IN PHILLY

DEAR UNFULFILLED: And how old will you be in seven years if you don't go to medical school?

This is dedicated to all those out there who wish to make a change for the better in their life, whether it's to make themselves a better person or simply a happier person. Not that the two are much different. After all in my first training class with Kuma the question was asked 'What is a good dog' one of the many correct answers was 'A good dog is a happy dog.'

All I want for Christmas...

Okay so I don't necessarily just want this for Christmas, I'll take it anytime all I want for my family is prosperity and we're not talking just monetary prosperity here, we're talking peace of mind, true happiness prosperity here.

The kind of mental, spiritual and physical well being that simply causes you to glow both inside and out. We're talking having the capability to look at concerns and know that they will be dealt with. I'm talking all out fullfillment. I know I'm asking a lot but I've got to say that it struck me today while planning which way I wanted the entryway to face in the house I am designing to potentially be our custom build haven that I really do want alot...and what's more, I expect to get it and I am fully willing to work to do so.

It seems two years of homelessness has made me picky *grins*

Civic Duty

Though I oft times wonder if there is any point in me keeping to my civic duty of voting and particpating in a jury I have to at least stand up on this point. Recently G.O.P Presidential candidate John McCain made some remarks that I believe are completely morally repugnant regarding the Constitution and America in general.

I will say I have been slowly becoming more and more apathetic towards the government as a whole and really starting to get the feeling that any and all government officials can just burn in their own hell this at least got my attention. Unfortunately however; it points out only how right I was to believe that this country is hardly ready to be a true democracy.

'We the People'? Bullshit. I remember being a young idealistic senior who believed that because the constitutional government competition I was competing in was centered around the ideals in the constitution that I had the right to express my religion in a way that harmed no one I was marked down enough to keep my team from attending the national competition in Washington D.C. due to my small, inobtrusive pentacle. It's only gone down hill from there.

Since then I have watched the American people as a whole laugh at the first Amendment, unless it pertained to their right to critisize people of other nations. Freedom of speech is DYING people! Stand up and do something about it!

Not only do I not have the freedom to discuss my religion without having to look over my shoulder I cannot enjoy a relationship that harms NO ONE without looking over my shoulder. If heterosexuals believe that same sex marriege is a threat to their relationships what does that say about them?

One by one the insults add up...unfortunately...though I'm not sure for who...I'm pissed.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/10/01/mccain.christian.nation/index.html

It's time to stand up and remind people that this country was born of people fleeing religious persecution. People who wanted the right of pursuit of happiness...

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

No where in here does it mention God of any sort... http://www.earlyamerica.com/earlyamerica/freedom/constitution/text.html

Did anyone ever mention to you McCain...the founding fathers also said that we should have a revolution once a generation. I think sweetheart...that we're way over due.

Unfortunately I have no clue how exactly one goes about starting a revolution...nor am I entirely sure that one could occur without bloodshed. While I am sick and tired of seeing my rights trampled upon by the religious right when church and state are supposed to be seperate I'm not sure it's entirely worth it to commence with the shooting just yet. Perhaps I'll jsut start voting again...if I can ever get the state of OR to actually register me...for three years (almost 4 now) I have tried...and failed to register to vote...guess it's time to try again.

Great Joy

1 month clean. Yes, I know that makes me sound like a drug addict, but in all reality I was...correction I am. When one is 'recovering' from an addiction they are always addictions. Addictions are not something that can be broken but something that has to be consciously avoided. Like an alcoholic I know that one puff and I'll be back to nearly a pack a day but how wonderful it is to be free of that and I intend to stay that way.

Great big violin

I feel like I am unintentionally being played like a giant violin. I know he doesn't mean to and perhaps it is in part just not understanding. He cannot seem to make up his mind, first it was this weekend and now it's next. We'd made plans based on this weekend. I gave Kota the week off based on this weekend, because I figured we could get it done once we were done helping him move. (Don't ask me why we just clean much better and much quicker when he's not home). Now he's told the complex of his new move date and so of course they are going to do what complexes do, they are going to put off finalizing his apartment until sometime next week etc. In other words he has unintentionally locked us in to another week. No big deal really except for the fact that as it stands right now; (I haven't spoken with him to try to remedy this just yet, haven't seen him and I refuse to interrupt his work over this.) he'll pay his last bill on his apartment this week and then still not have anything to pay next week.

I'm going to see if I can get him to put $50 to $100 towards helping with the apartment. We don't really NEED it but it would definately make things easier and more importantly a little less awkward. I wish that he would bring it up given that he must realize he's getting a full week scot free; (unless he's done something to break the bank.) and I hate to have to tell him that he's unintentionally making us feel played but I might have to. It only seems to me that the right thing to do, provided he realizes what he's doing would be to offer a little help. That would have made this feel a lot less like being played for a fool.

Long time gone

Sorry I've been gone for so long, its been...something else. Getting ready to have an apartment of our own, realizing we've got to find Kit another home and me house hunting under what started as a whim and then became a bit more serious. As of late I've been looking into building my own home through Landmark Homes, a group that will allow me to design my own home from the ground up and then provide me the resources to help get it done. I filled out a prequalification form and likely didn't qualify for much of anything but eh, what can I say...so between that and school work (which alas I haven't worked on in this week) I've been busy.

All in all other than things feeling a little strange all is well. I'll likely be participating in Sunday Scribblings this weekend...maybe.

In other news I've so enjoyed the taste of fall in the air the crisp breeze and the nearly cold nights have been a great relief from the bold and brazen heat of August. I look forward to the time when Summer cedes its last grip and allows fall to sweep in.

Of Perceptions and Misperceptions

It seems that last week I was a little...overconcerned. This week has gone well and last weeks 'office leper' incident turned out to be a complete misunderstanding. Right now my only issue is a lack of motivation. I just don't want to do much of anything. The good news is the interactive writing board seems to be going well. Funny thing is I had a thought today that if Kota doesn't start making better use of his camera I might be stealing it off more often...something is compelling me to attempt to capture things on film...honestly speaking of film I'd be happier with a good 35mm which I've always prefered over digital but that's just me. It's not like I'd be able to develope them anyway which is 9/10ths of the draw to photography for me, oh well, I'll look into a good 35mm at some other point in time, you know like when I can afford to take a photo development course. Though I guess it couldn't hurt to get a cheap camera for between now and then.

Office Leper

Perhaps it's just me but I would swear I walk through the halls and people look at me differently, all because of however long this has been going on. I've talked with two of the three people that he stated knows but it's an office environment...who knows how many others know...or rather think they know and who knows how blown out of proportion things have gotten. Tis very lonely in printer land because it makes me wonder if the two I talked to are really as understanding as they seemed. I should dress warmly for work because who knows how long I'll FEEL like I'm working in the arctic.

Freedom of Speech Returned

Well, I spoke with the Lawyer today and she actually asked me to read her my posts and said that they were not what she had thought they were and as such I'm free! Welcome back to being viewable by any and all my dear blog!

2 Lessons Done

Well, I completed by non-traditional machining technologies lesson today as well as my first technical math class. I do not remember what I got in my non-traditional machining class, but in my math class I brought in an 80 which is pretty good for having some questions I just flat out didn't understand. I have made a pledge to myself to gain back all that ground I lost mathematically. I have always known that math was going to make things a little difficult; however; I WILL walk out of this with a degree...if it kills me. I will not back down and I will not give up. If I can beat a meth addiction, homelessness and now a several year nicotine addiction I can graduate from college damnit!

Challenge Accepted

Well, it seems my dear bear has put out an online random act of kindness challenge and the challenge is not only accepted but complete. I have a co-worker who only just started taking the bus recently because he only just now moved to day shift. Yes, this is the same person who took over the position I had been hoping to fill, but that's not the point. What I did was simple and it only cost $1.25 but it got him out to his sisters and that's what matters.

It does nothing to repay the $50 that one kind woman donated to my hopes to return to school but all things considered such kindness may never be repaid because it wasn't the monetary value of said kindness, but the fact that a beautiful baptist woman reached out to a known pagan without reproach, without preaching and with no strings attached to try to make my life better, despite our differences. At times I had to wonder if she knew I was pagan but I know better, she was too smart not to.

Nice to be wanted.

God's above it's nice to be wanted. Sure right now I'm doing the same old stuff over and over again, but it's good for me, I know when things pick up that I'll miss it. Besides she was so excited when she found out I thought my working here was pretty much permanent, she even suggested that during this downtime I get some school work done which is only funny because that was the plan. My characters are still all being pains in the butt and refusing to tell me even their stories. I'm hoping joining a site that I've been invited to will help. In all honesty though things are going well. On the 27th of this month we will have been here for 3 years, hard to believe.

I'm so looking forward to fall, its just kind of sad that I won't be downtown for it. There's something altogether different about downtown in non-tourist season that I love. Granted I even love downtown in the summer, it somehow makes summer more bearable. All in all life is going good and I plan to keep it that way which is why tonight I'm going to buckle down and get more school work done...which I will hopefully be reimbursed for.

1 Week Down!

Well, I have made it through a week and things are going wonderfully...I'm even thinking about writing again which is as of late amazing for me. Better yet I can look at the possibility of writing without thinking. 'I should go smoke and think about this' granted I do ALOT more pacing now it seems I can rarely sit still for long. I look forward to moving my desk into my room so that I can sit with my cup of coffee and other simple pleasures and just write.

The Journey Begins

The first step has been taken. The first milestone reached and yet I still find myself asking questions like. 'Well, what do non-smokers do on their breaks?' I have not touched a cigarrette in three days and my next milestone is 7 days then 2 weeks and then 1 month...etc. The going is slow an the action of quitting was actually rather surprising...we just sort of jumped into it. I'm getting a lot of support here at work for both this and my school work. I think it will help. I've got to find a suitable reward for making it 7 days and then two weeks etc. I'm thinking the two week marker (which comes saturday after next) will be to go somewhere or do something we don't often do...perhaps we'll find someway to make it to Saturday Market...or maybe I'll save that for 1 month since my credit card will be paid off then too. Wish me luck.

Epitomy of Depressing

Once again I have found that one of my creative jewels, something I held close has at least in part not only already been a successful book series but a TV show. I put a bit more spin on it perhaps, I wouldn't exactly know I have neither read the series not watched the show it's just depressing for something you've held so close for so long has once again been accomplished by someone else.

Six days of Mayhem

Well, at least this time the mayhem was good. You guys are used to me not posting on weekends. However; at work, with my new environment I've been so busy that I haven't had time to breathe much less post. However; I've been asked to slow down so I don't kill myself. I'm running 14-16 printers give or take on any given day and I'm responsible for any mechanical upkeep issues that I can fix with a manual. *YAY* Granted I just have to REMEMBER that I'm allowed to fix these things. I don't really answer to anyone. I work directly with the engineers to ensure that their test comes out right. Occassionally I'll do a sort of cross over with the current lab manager a position I may or may not be taking when he leaves for his three months off next month. *crosses fingers* Either way I'm getting valuable experience and really enjoying myself. Particularly today for some reason. I'm in one of those inexplicable REALLY good moods. Not like I'm arguing. Granted it probably helps that it was nice and over cast when I headed to work today. YAY work!

Falling Away

Apparently a co-worker thinks I have a problem with them or have somehow had a bad attitude. The only thing I can think is that I have allowed others to rant about her in my general vicinity but I cannot help the anxiety attack that it caused. I've sent a rather long e-mail to her, here's to hoping that I dissected her confusing e-mail well enough to make everything make sense. I think a lot of the issue here is grapevine syndrome epsecially since she named no names so it's not like I can verify that they are people who would actually know what really happened. The only thing I can think of is that I stated that I didn't want to work opposite her, but if the things that I heard were true I don't. I don't know what's going on I just know that now I'll be fighting an anxiety attack for quite a while. Honestly who knows maybe D was right...maybe it just took an outsider to point it out. Rude, Lazy, Inconsiderate granted they were statements made in anger, but perhaps that is truely where we speak the most truth. Not like it gives me any clue about what might be best other than to perhaps go back to taking breaks entirely alone and not reaching out to anyone. I have less anxiety attacks when I have no friends at work at least. Who knows, maybe that's best.

Who know's what this is going to do for my chances to be brought back. I've worked so hard...so very hard. I feel like everything is slipping away. Like all of the struggling I have done has been for nothing. And it all sprouted because I made the statement 'I guess she didn't think that was funny.' regarding a comment I've made in good fun many times. No one was supposed to be hurt by this but isn't that how it always goes. Looks like I am back to the norm...and I thought I'd done so well.

I made the mistake of getting comfortable, of thinking I could joke with the others at work, but once again, just as it did with Telvista it's causing problems. So perhaps it is time to crawl back into my shell. At least it's safe there.

Assignment Change

Well, I'll be moving to another lab starting on Monday, so I'm going to be moving quickly the next couple of nights, running beyond what I necessarily need to. I landed a 90 on my test today, the two questions I got wrong were understandable. One of them I couldn't find a clear answer on but I now have the page reference for and the other I just had difficulty with the weld diagrams.

A good end to a bad week.

Well, it's been a rough week, but today's been a pretty good day. I re-start the template tomorrow and actually got to take a lunch today. Yeah I know *gasp*. I think those two facts alone have helped. Sure I'm still annoyed by the loss of the money but if it ran off it did so for a reason. All things happen for a reason. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the chamber caught up especially given as hard a worker as Tina has turned out to be now that she's gotten used to things. Still not word one on the lawsuit, but there may be times that I won't here from ms. Lloyd for months at a time. Still haven't told my mother about it at the request of my grandfather, but I'm in this for the long run and if I feel I need her support I will reach for it. All previous blog posts (regarding my fathers death) are being removed or edited for fear that they may come up during the discovery stage and thus be used against us to say that we are 'influencing' the jury. *scoff* Not like anyone reads this anyway. Granted I guess it helps that I have no external links anywhere. But I've got to do this just in case.

Of breakdowns, burnouts and major screwups.

Well, I really did it this time, thankfully August has two checks without bills for us or we'd be in some serious trouble. During the day of the great meltdown I somehow managed to loose or have stolen from me $585 that was supposed to be rent money. We'll be okay because it means we just rearrange some things. Sure the credit card won't be payed off when we hoped it would. Sure BarkBusters will take a little longer to pay off and okay so we don't have as much free money as planned we're still okay. However; I still keep finding myself getting distracted looking for money I'm not going to find. I think I know what happened but I don't know what dock the trash is taken to, I don't know what dumpster it's put in and I don't know even what the bag of trash I'm after would look like. So *shrug* I screwed up big time...thankfully we're still okay.

Back to Work

Well, I left work early yesterday. Too many chorus' of 'Are you okay?' and 'Do you need to go home?' for my tastes. So I took a few extra hours to just relax and now I'm feeling a million and a half times better.

You know it's funny, I went so far as to have my players create characters for a game, I had great ideas and then I woke up one day and they were pretty much gone, guess it's time to find more ideas. They've been pushing me to start running, they want to play but am I going to be able to make something worth playing? I don't know...I feel like everytime I start running a game for them they loose interest or the storyline just plain goes down hill. They get frustrated when I'm not providing enough hints and when I just outright show them the way. Not like I disagree with the latter.

*le sigh* I've got to figure something out because they've created characters that are suited to one particular world and I don't want to take that from them, but looking at it now there seems to be very little potential. It's like with my writing right now...everything is fizzling into nothing. I'll get real excited for a few days and then I'll wake up one day and there's nothing. I think my muse is toying with me.

Sweet Retribution

If you've ever watched a parent die a needless death then you understand what I'm currently going through.

In February 2007 my father was admitted to OHSU's VA Hospital. He had no insurance and a severely infected wound in his foot. They immediately admitted him and according to family stated themselves that the foot was extremely infected. For the next 6 days they paraded medical students through his room to point out what happens during gangrene. The spreading redness around the wound, the swelling and the slow blackening of the wound did nothing to make them actually treat the injury with anything more than intravenous antibiotics...which were even to the untrained eye obviously not working. When the last two toes on his foot turned black they finally put him under to do a partial amputation. It was likely too late by then.

Roughly three weeks later he was back in the hospital, so sick he was jaundiced. Sure he was stubborn and tried his best not to go back to the hospital he thought wouldn't treat him anyway. Sure my stepmother waited WAY too long to call an ambulence but had it been any other patient perhaps they would have tried more to save his life. From the little bit that I saw they let him lay there swollen with infection, doing nothing to drain the infection from his system while they treated him and his visitors as a nuisance. Sure a few of his nurses really did seem to care, the others just seemed to wish he'd go away. Not a way to treat a man with major organ failure.

I got a call today from Holly Lloyd seeking my information as his sole heir. It seems my grandparents started what I couldn't afford to do. We are in the process of filing a wrongful death lawsuit against OHSU. While I may not get much from it if anything at all it's not the money I'm after.

What I want is for no one else to loose a parent to a needless death. For no one else to know that their father will not see them accomplish the things he'd always wanted for them. For no one else to watch their father cry infection laced tears from the pain. For no one else to watch a nurse first manhandle the patient and then tell them point blank 'he's dying anyway.' I want them to pay. I want it to hurt. I want the hospital administrators to immediately make policy changes to ensure it never happens again. Sure, my father was an alcoholic but NO ONE should have to die like that, knowing the hospital is doing nothing to save them. Knowing that no one in their medical team is loosing any sleep over the fact that they are loosing their life. I want to know that no child regardless of age is ever going to have to look their dying parent in the eyes and know that if only they had money things would be a little better. For me it was only 24 hours, we'd lost contact and they had to hunt me down, for the rest of the family it was much longer watching him slowly rot away from the inside out. May 17th, 9:45pm...I still have nightmares about that time. I still wake in the middle of the night wondering when my mother will leave too. No one should have to watch someone they love die knowing the hospital could be doing more to at least make their final moments more comfortable. It would not have killed them to at least be polite to a dying man. Even if they didn't agree with his lifestyle decisions. Hell I didn't agree with his lifestyle decisions, but he shouldn't have had to die amongst indifference and sometimes open scorn.

The search for personal truth

I recently found that a friend of mine will be moving, much to the vocalized distaste of others around her. It is to her and to them that I speak now.

When life provides that once in a lifetime opportunity one should rise to the occassion, they should take that terrifying plunge into the arctic waters of chance, perhaps they will find the shock refreshing. That is not to say that all will be tea and roses once you land, it may be a difficult up hill battle from there, but sometimes one just has to do what they think best regardless of what others say.

Those who truly care about the leaper may well choose to advise against it, after all change is frightening to all humans, but most particularly when one is going to be heading in a direction where it will be difficult at best to catch them if they fall. It is at these times when care and friendships can become greatly strained. Do you care enough for them to let them go, can you bring yourself to let go of something you care for so deeply? The decision is a difficult one, but ultimately it is up to the one who seeks to make the jump. There are times when you have to simply leave and mend any possible relationship problems later. Sometimes they can be patched and sometimes they can't but there comes a time when you have to do what is best for yourself, everyone else be damned.

To that friend I wish you only the greatest of happiness and the best lady luck has to offer.

On another note however; spring cleaning version 2.0 went well this weekend. Still have a lot of laundry to do but that happens sometimes especially for our little family...we tend to get distracted. *grins* School is going well I didn't get the lessons I had intended to done this weekend, but that's alright, I only have to get two lessons done before my next set ships and then I will only have one lesson remaining...or is it two...either way in the set.

The girl pigs went to their new home this weekend and she seems eager to do things the right way so it seems better in the end. The boys go to their new home either Wednesday or Thursday of this week and Kit gets his first Barkbusters session on Thursday at 10am. Yes, that means I have to be up early, but that's alright all thats coming out of this check is Barkbusters and my credit card payment so perhaps Kota and I will go out to lunch together after. All in all things are progressing nicely. Work is still stressful, but the stress level has been turned down a couple of notches, it's a bit easier to handle now, for me at least, poor Kiro is still screwed.

Under the Gun: Living beyond the Event Horizon.

Well, I'm really feeling the fire now, they want me to pull this project to current from 3-3.5 days behind. That's double what we usually deem the Event Horizon, or the point of no return. That point in time where unless you're offering OT you're not going to get where you need to be. I have 8 hours to get it pulled in...8.5 if I don't take a lunch or take lunch in small chunks while my printers are busy.

Cindy pulled me aside and reiterated how important it was I bring us up to schedule because they need me elsewhere. We're understaffed, underbudgeted and our PSR schedule has slipped...but they aren't extending our testing deadline. So it's scramble time. I've pulled us ahead before, but only by bending every time rule I had, not taking lunch, not taking full breaks, going outside for half a smoke and right back in, looks like it's time to pull a miracle out of my non-existant hat again.

Miracle one...create hat from nothing. Miracle two...create bunny from nothing. Miracle three pull bunny from hat... The stress is on and I'm in the final quarter, here's to hoping I can pull this off. My new counterpart helps, but there are days when she only makes print count. Once again I have to carry this lab from point A to point C without the help I need (which would be overtime on Saturdays) because the department can't afford it. And all of this in 96F and 80%RH. Hello Texas. Wish me luck.

However; did I mention...I love my job...I'm good at achieving the impossible and I've made a name for myself doing so...I just hope I can keep it up. The adrenaline would be more welcome if it didn't make an already terrible acid reflux even worse.

Somehow on top of all of this, I still need to help get the house clean this weekend, get all the laundry done this weekend, find some time for this 'family day out' Kiro wants, and perhaps if I can find somewhere in there to do it I need to get a lesson or two done this weekend. Time to burn the midnight oil.

Last Ditch Effort

Well, we've come to the last ditch effort when it comes to getting Kit to behave, we're bringing in BarkBusters at $595, but it's a life of the dog gauruntee. Here's to hoping we won't need it, but you never know. We've got to get him to stop screaming all the time for no reason at all and we've got to get him to stop biting. It was the end of it when he nipped my face the other day. Sure he was excited and wanted to play but still.

It's been an extremely long day, but I got a lesson done. Granted I only got an 88 not like I'm all that broken up about it, after all there really are a lot of process in manufacturing that are remarkably similar, it was confusing these process that caused me to get three questions wrong, didn't really affect my average though. If I continue on one lesson a day I'll be done with this lesson series on Monday and just waiting for Technical Math 1 which I want to get so I can get it over with.

Back to school as usual

Well, after nearly two months I completed the next lesson tonight, the 96 has made me eager to be back to working on it, which is a good thing I guess it just took a kick in the butt to get back to it.
Speaking of kicks in the butt I think Kota may have broken his tailbone today...poor thing. The dog still chews on Liam, but now he's trying to decide that Voodoo is a chew toy too. Voodoo isn't standing for it which is good for her but Liam just lets him chew...we're still working on it and it's only been a couple of days but still...*crosses fingers* here's to hoping we can fix it, otherwise we might have to hire someone else...which as we found with BarkBusters is expensive, we're talking $600 worth of expensive. The vet says the chewing and nipping is just a puppy thing so here's to hoping. Well, bed calls, sorry I wrote so late...I've been busy.

Wow...

Okay, so I forgot to post yesterday...shoot me, I was working a strange shift. 10:30 (which became 9:30 due to bus requirements) to 6. It was a good day I was just too busy with other things to make my post during work. Liam is doing great but we can't leave him in the room so we can let the puppy out anymore. He moves the screen and climbs out the window to come meh at the back door and climb that screen. Thankfully the neighbors upstairs nabbed him and we just happened to come home as they were sitting outside. Otherwise I would have been very very heartbroken. He's doing well, he's a little too tolerant though...he lets the dog chew on his head for crying out loud and then mehs at me when I yell at the dog to stop. Kit's doing well, but he seems to be getting more mouthy not less. He's bitten me a few times recently, I'm concerned because that's the type of behavior that gets even good dogs put down.

We're going to keep working on it. I had a bit of a territorial moment today when I was talking to Kota and found out that there were people in the house that I didn't know about, don't really know and I wasn't there to I guess keep an eye on things *Shrugs* bad wolfie...

New Love. New Life

Well, Liam came home last night, I would post pictures but we don't yet have a card reader. He's absolutely perfect. Granted he wakes me when I'm asleep usually by licking my face off...litterally with that rough tongue of his that's my signal that he wants to be pet. I've also managed to pick up my new BOS, given that it looks like I may have found a familiar I'm not surprised that things kept interfering. All in all life is going well, we picked up the new Harry Potter book. I'm more than halfway through my 300 page Manufacturing Processes 2 lesson. My kitty falls asleep when he's getting his nails clipped. I got my credit limit extension and we're going to go out to dinner and pick up the card reader tonight.

A Step in the Right direction.

With each breath you take the past get's further behind you. Well, it's been almost a years worth of breaths and only now are the events of our past getting far enough behind us. She reached out through a blog entry and I anxiously await being able to reach back. This weekend I am both broke and at least for some of it busy...so world here's to hoping. Wish us luck, it has been a lot of work for at least Kota and I to be able to put past hurts, past misconceptions behind us and now we take the step of getting to know our new 'old' friends. May all go well in our next endevours.

Of life and missed posts.

Hey everyone, sorry I missed a couple of posts, things were so hectic at work I could hardly think straight much less remember to make a post. Kota's finally decided he's ready to go back to school, provided the payments are within the budget. I'm looking forward to it, sure it means I have to pay to put him through school, but unlike most couples that's not a problem with us. Within the next couple of years the world will be saying hello to it's newest vet tech. The good thing is looking at how long it's going to take him to finish his program and looking at the requirements for mine makes me feel less like a slacker. Helping him to stay on track will help me to stay on track. Honestly I think once I get through the up and coming technical math (which I'm dreading) I'll be much more gun-ho again. I'm just terrified I'm going to fail it, but then again I've never liked to fail anything.

In other news it looks like I might have found my familiar. We walked into the vet to get Kit his last corona and bordatella and Liam was there, he it was love at first squeek. We'd been talking about getting me a pet for a while and after looking at things decided a kitty would be best, after all other than Kuma the pets I talk about most were my kitties. The household had just agreed to it when we walked and realized he was still there. So having the money to do so we put down his adoption fee and now we just wait for the required 24 hours before going to get him. Also, it looks like we may have found a new vet. Kit is comfortable with his techs and the staff there really seems to be warming up to us so here's to hoping.

Kota is going to be required to go through two 9 week practicums, the great thing about this is we can actually afford for them to be unpaid internships, or paid at a much lower rate than normal because I make enough money to cover all of us if necessary. Kota was wanting to return to work, but with Kit we really didn't want him to be out of the house much, I just feel more comfortable knowing that Kit doens't have to be crated for an unknown amount of time right now. When Kota finishes and looks at getting a job it might change, we'll cross THAT bridge when we get there. I think this is going to be really good for us as a family. Perhaps we can talk Kiro and Rick into going back to school too...

YAY!

Well, I had a wonderful weekend this weekend. On Saturday we went out as a family to have lunch and see Harry Potter before returning home to game all weekend. Kit has been doing wonderfully the past couple of days. The house is a 'wreck' it's mostly dried goods that didn't get put up on Saturday and a couple of dishes from this weekend. The biggest mess is actually something I need to handle, which is sitting down and doing all of our laundry, but we're not allowed to run the washer and dryer after I get off work (community quiet hours) So that makes things a little difficult. Sunday night Kota and I went out together and spent several hours just enjoying some time together. All in all a good weekend. Today's going to be 'interesting' but that's alright, that's life. I've got my reveiw later this week so everyone keep their fingers crossed (first off that I actually get it on time.) Unfortunately a high jam rate calls.

*growl* *snarl* *growl*

While it's been a good day, it's still be one of 'those' days. You know those days where everything seems to be conspiring against you. Where you look around and you wonder who up there is poking fun at you today. Someone let Loki loose with my printers before they got to me and he did quite the number on them. Not to mention the fact that someone clouded a co-workers mind and now I may be the one to ensure that the reports come out all right despite the fact. All in all things could be much worse but I've just wanted to rip my hair out all day.

At least it seems from Kota's post that he should be calmer again. I need to try to find someway to get him back on his T even if it means sending him downtown every two weeks and somehow managing to pay for the T and a cab back, he was much more calm then, things were better for many reasons. *grins* and if he pissed me off I could always threaten to tap the needle. Not that I ever would mind you. It's odd, he's not the only one whose been more aggressive, I have as well, though mine is a quieter rage, it smolders inside of me like tiny embers lining every nerve of my body until finally it suffocates. I have had more time to get ahold of my temper and mine has always been a quiet temper...the quieter I got the more you needed to worry and god forbid you actually make me talk about it when I'm quiet. Sometimes it's best just to let me sit for a few.

To be perfectly honest I've really be fighting that darker side of me lately, the side of me that wants to react to Kota's latest fits of temper. The side of me that sees them as a challenge that cannot be backed down from. I don't know where that clash would go...who would win doesn't really matter it likely wouldn't change anything one way or the other...but I fear it could get violent.

Yet there is also that side of me that has to fight the urge to egg him on...to turn that violence towards me, to be perfectly honest I've spent many years feeling as if I needed to be in pain, but I was too much of a coward to cut, even when I was busy attempting suicide. Yeah I know...I have issues, if you're thinking it you're far from the first and listen you don't know the half of it, but so long as they continue not to affect my daily life I'm not going to worry about them. I don't have insurance and what's wrong with a few hallucinations that point out the things you should know or be doing anyway...ever had your conscious glare you into doing something you knew you should? Yeah...didn't think so. *shrugs* Oh well, we shall see how things go.

I'm sure his temper is likely to flare again and part of me has considered enrolling him in a martial arts class...it would be a good work out and good disipline training. Besides it's something he's expressed interest in. Sure I couldn't join him because my schedule prevents that but that's alright he's the one who needs it most anyway and besides, he could come home and teach me. I'd be willing to pay for it if I knew he was going to go.

I've smoked much more than usual today and probably will continue to do so. I'm a little off...I've got that all over nerve endings on fire pain again...it drives me to put another nail in the coffin as they say.

Work as usual.

Well, it's definately work as ususal. I've been running printers for just over an hour and I already have what may be two rather serious issues. One of them may be an operator issue or the way the program throws errors. The other on the other hand is definately hardware but easy to fix provided we can get the parts (we waited almost 12 weeks for those trays the first time and now this...) Well, of course, more printer trouble so it's back to work for me. Maybe I'll write more tonight.

Long time gone...

Hey I know I've missed the past three days, bad me, but I was working day shift. Soon it will be back to work as normal for me, I work swing shift tomorrow. It's kind of funny, the earth decided to celebrate with me with a little bitty not-a-quake. Registering 3.3 on the Richter scale it shook things in that distinctive 'they come from beneath' manner that only earthquakes have. It was Kota's first, I'm glad it wasn't like mine, I bed surfed into the living room during my first quake. It dimmed the lights for a few and instincts I didn't know I had kicked in, my feet came off the wall and hit the floor as if my feet were going to know soon enough before the rest of me did to do anything about it...*headshakes* Silly body.

Closed Chapters...Fresh Tears

I still keep up with the blog of a chapter that closed itself to me not too long ago. While I understand and accept that that part of my life is over, I think I continue to check it out of a combination of things, habit, fear...fear of what is being said when I'm not looking, and simply wanting to know. Though we will likely never be close again, because of the pain she has caused and the fact that apparently it's always, eternally mine and Kota's fault and even though she apprently never has any fault in the situation, I still care, I still want to know she's doing okay. Today however; her blog entry brought me once again to tears, this time not because she'd practically called me lazy and worthless, but because she reminded me of what I so recently lost.

May 17th, it was a Monday. I remember reading the e-mail from someone I hadn't spoken to since I was 10 years old and thinking there was no way. No way he could be leaving me, I was angry with him because it was then and there that I realized just how much I'd wanted him to be a part of. I'd sent him an invitation to my graduation and never gotten any response, and I didn't intend for that to be the case with the associates degree I was pursuing. I'd met a wonderful man and wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I wanted so desperately for that man to be proud of me to know in the depths of my heart that he was proud and that he did care. I miss him terribly and still cannot bring myself to cry for him of my own accord, so I guess the blog post was a good thing. I simply hope for her that she gets what she so desperately wants before she too looses the chance. May the Goddess guide her.

Return of the Muse

Yeah I know, it sounds like a REALLY bad movie sequel but what can I say, my muse has decided she's still speaking to me. I'm not going to give out many details just yet in part because I haven't gotten any feedback, but it's going to be a story within a story layout. I have no clue about it's marketability but right now I don't really care, I'm just glad to have the urge to write again.

I will tell you this much, the 'real world' aspects of the game are going to focus on the trials and tribulations of divorce and children being split up due to a custody agreement, a move and finding new friends in new schools and how the games these kids play help them to cope with the chaos in their lives. I'm honestly not sure anyone would want to publish it, but I can certainly hope I guess we'll just have to see. I need to sit down and work out two or three major problems the children will have during the times that they are not gaming, because ideally the book should only cover one major gaming session and a few days worth of time, but that's difficult to put into a novel without being too wordy so we shall see what comes of it. I intend to take what I learned from D and put it to good use. Here's to hoping!

Yay! I got a title...

<<>>Gave this one a title since the title function was giving me trouble earlier.<<>>Well, so far it's been a pretty good day. Woke up with one hell of a headache, got some gaming in on WoW, damn you Rick. Went to work . Thus far things have gone really well. I'm not running one of my tests, because it's in a state I was never actually given information on, I'm not entirely sure how the first run of the day should go and given that the tech that runs during the day wasn't here today it fell to me. Well I called DH on both her desk phone and her cell phone and still no information so it sits. Better to sit than to have me confuse the data extraction program because I ran it incorrectly. Looking forward to going home and killing things. Not sure what I think about working days next week, but it carries the unusual benefit of getting some time alone with Kota without having to run off to our rooms to hide. Yep, definately a good day. Now that the headache is gone life is running smoothly. The printers are behaving themselves which always makes things easier.

Poor Kiro though, he has yet to train his dayshift counterparts to actually log what happens so once again he's digging through all of their data by hand before he can actually get any work done. At least Alex wasn't ever THAT bad.

All of our Yesterdays...and of course..today.

Yesterday was not as exciting as planned. All of it had hinged on Kiro being paid on time, which he wasn't. Thus it became a good day though initially dull. Today however; started well and has good momentum to stay that way. We're trying another new game, this one proves to be cheaper in the long run. We've also decided on a different method of training Kit, one we hope will be more successful than our previous attempts, though we did find out where we were going wrong and what we were doing to confuse him. Hopefully, now he'll pick up house training and asking to go out as quickly as he picked up sit. We played a recall game with him last night that he really enjoyed, running with all of his puppy might from one to the other and so on. His continued thinness bothers me, but we'll try adding some nice fattening people food (safe people food mind you) to his diet and see if that helps some, if it does than it's not really an issue. Last night he slept through the night without much trouble and stayed zonked pretty much all night, I guess it helped that we wore him out. I look forward to going home tonight and trying out my new character and my new game!

By the skin of my teeth...

Don't know where that phrase came from but it seems appropriate given how late it is that this post is hitting. It's been a fairly faced paced day, especially with me looking so forward to tomorrow. Happy Birthday America, I get the day off. I've had a headache all day but its not too bad, just a little annoying. I likely won't be posting tomorrow, I'll be too busy enjoying my mid-week day off.

Dancing amongst the stars

Well, things have been going REALLY well, Kota has decided it's time to look for a part time job and I'm completely behind him, he finishes up his stuff at home and then just sits there staring at a computer screen, or walking the dog, it has been driving him nuts. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday, but it had been brewing for a while, I went a little nuts last week, but I'm better now. YAY! Today is my Thursday! I'm off on Wednesday so that makes today already my Thursday (but without that whole paycheck portion ;-;) Ah well, that's life for you. Haven't done much in the way of school lately but I've gotten a lot of other things done such as finishing up our spring cleaning and banging my head into a wall. I was just starting to feel overwhelmed. The dietary changes are going well, we've cut red meat out of our diets except on VERY special occassions at one resteraunt and that's just because that's pretty much the basis of what they serve but we've been wanting to take Rick and Kiro there for a while.

Rick will be down this weekend and it will be great seeing big brother again I really look forward to it and instead of the usual trips where we hang out for maybe a couple of hours and then don't see him for months we'll have him for two days. I have a review this month that has me really nervous but if I'm lucky I'll get both a raise and a bonus like I did last time (crosses fingers) then it's just another six months until my three months off, during which I will likely finish the last of this semester, I mean to be perfectly honest what else am I going to have to do during that time, especially after Kiro moves out, because if Kota gets a part time job I'm going to need something worthwhile to do while he's at work. I haven't gotten any further work done on Moonlit, but I'm not really surprised I didn't really have a storyline behind it, it was just an exercise in entertainment.

The pup's doing well, though Kota accidentally got him answering only to 'bubbers' *shrugs* could be worse and it's his dog, whatever the pup responds to I guess, just not something I'd name mine, hell it isn't something Kota would INTENTIONALLY name his either...it just sort of stuck.

Weee Shift work!

Well, the week of the ninth should be fun. I'm supposed to come in Monday, the ninth on swing shift as usual and then go to day shift the next day, in other words I'll be getting up about the time I'm usually going to bed. Isn't that going to be fun, well, since one of my workpieces sounds like it fell apart, I'm going to slip off early...that was not a good sound.

Blindsided by Terror

We're not talking the 'holy shit I could loose my job' type of terror, we're talking a terror so deep, so painful that one day blends into another. It hit after having lunch with Kota when I realized it's been almost a year since our last episode. Granted for me an episode has the requirement of last at least one hour. I remember the terror filled year of hell that started all of our troubles. All I can think is that the only reason I'm having this current fear is that we've never gone this long without an episode.

I'm not sure, but I somehow doubt that any of you out there know what it's like to come home from work and have your husband not know who you are...at least not what you are to him. It's a painful and frightening process, there were times when we'd be out and all of the sudden out of the middle of nowhere, no warning, no precursor it would hit. I remember the time when we'd go through several episodes a day, with at times only a few minutes of relief between, the times they would occur when I was laid flat were the worst, I couldn't get up to do a damn thing about them. This horrible stretch of issues continued until the 'condition' surfaced, dealing with both nearly drove me mad at times. There are times when I look back at that time period and all I see is pain, fear, anger a whole range of emotions on top of feeling completely and utterly helpless. Everywhere I went to reach for help people stared at me like I was the one having an episode. I remember during the last one, almost a year ago being told that my housemates were surprised by my strength, they didn't know how I had handled it and held it all together.

Scary thing is, I know that is one of the big reasons I'm pushing for our declaration, so that when something happens and when I need to I can present people with proof that I have the right to make the decisions I do, that I have the right to care for him without them standing in my way. And in the case of the single most difficult night of my life I have the capability to do what needs to be done to protect him from himself and others. Despite the fact that he obviously was having issues, they continued to look to him for answers that he could not give, I did not exist, they tried to speak with him about paying, he hardly understood the concept of money, except for the fact that it bought neat things. One year...I have had nightmares the past few nights regarding the year of neverending hell I keep waiting for it to all start over again...and as much as I look forward to the two of us having our own place it scares the living shit out of me that I might come home one night to find out that I am entirely too late. I know I could handle it if it happened again, but it would not be plesant I can only hope that this year continues on to two...three that I never have to go through that again, because honestly I think the thing that scared him most was not knowing what had happened...I sometimes still wonder, if I hadn't told him what was going on, would he ever have realized why I was in so much pain, so much turmoil?

Spring cleaning...a little late.

Well, I haven't gotten any school work done lately, but at least this time I had a reason for it. For some reason on Sunday I was attacked by mega cleaning bug of DOOOM! It's carried over for the rest of the week and thus made it a little difficult to work on school work too, which is okay I've got more than enough time to finish and if I can just make it through this semester I know the others won't be too difficult. Maybe I've just been pushing myself too hard with all other other lifestyle changes I wanted to make, now that I cut it into smaller more delectable bites things are going much easier and it's much less stressful, so while I still will be finishing this semester before I start my next contract I'm going to be a little easier on myself, all things will come in time and these changes are part of those things. After all if I push myself too hard I'm just going to ramp my smoking up again and I'm happy with my five a day rule, it's going well. Not only that I'm kind of looking forward to dropping one of those smokes next month.

Off Kilter

I hate, I hate, I HATE Peter...oh wait wrong line...missing work. Ehem. Not because I REALLY REALLY want to be here, I mean I really love my job but who among us could not think of something they would rather be doing with their time. I hate missing work because I come back and so much has changed it's hard to get back to what's going on and NOT feel like I'm screwing something up. For example I had this thing that I usually log in one way that I had to log in another and I could not for the life of me remember which was I was supposed to log it, if I was supposed to log it at all since when the moon is in the third house of aquarius we don't log it at all. Thankfully I found out that I did handle it correctly, but still, it throws things off and makes me uncomfortable. It's that way even when I request the time off, unfortunately things change around here so quickly that even when i request time off when we supposedly have nothing to do things change and then we wind up with a ripple effect that if not caught can change things all the way through the rest of the test...and as such I hate I hate I hate...Missing work!. Hah! Stuck the dismount.

Things with the puppy are going well, he's potty training quickly, though his little tummy is still getting used to the food changes. He's been with us for three days and he has sit down pat, provided you can get him to pay attention at all.

Wow...

Well, I actually had to tell Danielle I couldn't run two tests at once...I feel terrible about it, but the template for my new primary test has some serious issues, granted the program that creates them often gives us templates with issues, but this one really takes the cake. She didn't seem too annoyed, personally I think I was more annoyed than she was but my primary test takes precedence and is definately of a higher priority since it might mean that some things get completely changed.

In good news however; Kota will be training Kit starting tomorrow...once we pick Kit up. We don't normally give money to pet stores, but Kit was just too perfect. It will allow Kota to bond with Kit and get him house trained and then in January/February (or whenever Kiro moves out) we'll get our second puppy and I'll be able to spend that first part of his (or her) life working with them and bonding with them, while Kota helps me to potty train. Kit is absolutely precious, he's a Jack Russel/Aussie mix and he's absolutely precious, he's got the cutest little foxy face.

Needless to say Kota's going to be working all day to get the house spotless before bringing the pup home so that he can spend the rest of the week getting to know him without having to clean too.

Tagged...

Tagged...me? Huh? *scratches ear looking for new earring* Alright not there, in that case I don't want to know WHERE those scientists decided to tag me. Alright, so I'm supposed to post 8 random facts about me huh...where to start...

How about at 4...4's a good number!

4. Yes I know it's not one, but one's such a lonely number. 13 is my lucky number, in school when everyone else was jokingly talking about what bad things happened to them on Friday the 13th I was busy enjoying my wonderous luck.

5. When I was younger my imaginary friends (who I still talk to sometimes by the way) actually spoke to me, touched me, I didn't have simply visual imaginary friends, I had complete sensory experiences.

6. I taste emotion and some other things too. Anger tastes like black licorice, Fear tastes like sour milk, Love tastes of strawberries. Night tastes like extremely dark chocolate (but only at that moment when the final blue fades from the sky and true darkness descends, oddly enough the taste is stronger out in the boonies away from the city.)

7. When I was 11 I wrote my first novel, it was about a young woman who had lived the first half of her life as her fathers government funded science experiment and then changed everything about her. In that novel the couple were betrayed by her brother-in-law who was a cop for way too many years.

8. I still often have to fight my urge to fight for words of praise from every man I come across, blame a consistantly absent bio-dad and my mothers series of abusive partners.

9. The thing that scares me most (outside of heights) is being viewed as worthless and lazy. For years that was how my mother described my father and how my friends described my mother. It really screws with my head when someone does...and means it.

10. Sometimes when I wake, just before the sleep paralysis wears off I feel as if the weight of the world is pressing down on my chest, for just a few moments it feels as if I have been buried alive.

11. I often have recurring dreams, well less a recurring dream and more a recurring city, I could draw a map of every feature in that city. The number of times and places and manners in which I have died in that city are innumerable.

Alright, had to end on the odd note...or would that be odd number. For those of you who have not yet been tagged by others TAG!

A breath of fresh air.

Well, running two tests is going okay. I got more done so far today on the secondary test than I did last week and all without hurting my primary test, yay me! Granted, only going over one other persons work rather than 6 other peoples helps a lot. It gives me more time to handle the things that both tests are needing. I'd do much better on the secondary test if there was anything I could do to prepare for the next run other than what I'm already doing. Between running two tests and preparing for the template change on my primary test I've been a busy bee today. I'm considering working on my school work before work instead of on a weekend, needless to say that's not working too well and that way once I come home brain fried from juggling stuff all day I'll be able to just kick back and relax. Until we get our gym memberships that is. Oh? I didn't tell you? We're going to be enrolling in a gym once this semester is paid for because next contract we will have much more time to save for my three month lay off period we will then be able to afford the gym and school.

The people at anytime fitness were great, they didn't push us into getting a membership, they simply told us to contact them when we'd gotten things straightened out and they'd move from there. First however; Kota and I are going to get our declaration of domestic partnership. It's something that's going to be a relatively large up front expenditure, especially when you consider bus fare and everything else, not to mention the fact that the paperwork itself is expensive. It should be a same day affair (at least in comparison to a name change) taking about the same amount of time as a marriege lisence. Well, as much as I would love to continue, I have work that calls. Oh, just a by the way, I have not succeeded in keeping myself to one pack a week but I have dropped from between 6 and 10 smokes a day to just 5! Yay me! What this means is in July I drop myself to four/day (still means I'm having to buy two packs per week, what with usually needing to smoke at least once on the weekends but it's a start.)

Failed...again.

Well, I couldn't even make myself get one lesson done this week. Perhaps I shouldn't have bothered putting my money towards this, first semester and I'm already fucking it up. Well, time to try something else to get it done, I knew it was possible that I wouldn't be able to make myself get it done while everyone else was playing, so looks like it's time to try to do it before work. Hell, I failed a lot this week, but what can I say, it's what I'm best at. I couldn't even keep myself from smoking for two whole days and as anticipated it pulled Kota off track too. Not that I'm giving up mind you, I just can't help but be depressed that it feels like I can't even get the simpelist thing done without trying to make excuses, perhaps she was right, perhaps I am more lazy than I thought.

I do great at work, often times pulling far more than my fair share, but why is it that when I walk into my house everything falls apart, I become lazy, irresponsible and more like my father than I ever wanted to be. More than a little upsetting, but bitching about it isn't going to make it better, caving to my laziness and allowing myself, and Kota to make excuses has to stop. When I'm not making excuses for myself he is so that I don't feel bad for cheating on my smoking goals (though honestly the first one was warrented, the strange seizures are helped by smoking...the others however; were unneccesary.), avoiding work or just plan being a disgusting waste of energy, sitting at my computer staring avidly into someone else's world. Gaming isn't bad and it's not like its an evil or anything, but it too is an addiction, it's not as if I even did anything important (other than make a great mess of the kitchen helping to make pizza from scratch) to keep me from the school work I said I was going to do. Once again I procrastinated and two weeks has become four. This really does have to stop...I just feel like I'm sliding down hill. Next thing you know we're going to be right back where we were two years ago and once again it will be my fault for not standing up and doing something to make our lives better. Who knows, perhaps I can use this post to fuel me to suck it up and do what needs to be done. It would be easier if perhaps there were other people out there who seemed to give a damn but Kota is my only support and oft times not enough, because he's going to love me whether I fuck this up or not.

Tired

Alright, running two tests is getting to me a bit, but it's okay. In the end I haven't gotten nearly as much done on my secondary test as I had hoped, it seems to take me longer than it did Brad to set it up, but I'm still finding out what works best for me...it doesn't help that I'm a little short...I have difficulty pulling the top trays out to empty them. It makes things a little more difficult with twice the trips to the waste as anticipated, for the top trays at least. Needless to say I haven't had a chance to work on Moonlit, between the increased demands of my current test which thank the gods will be going back to normal soon and this new one that has yet to be fully incoporated into my routine, I've hardly had a chance to breathe. The only reason I can post this now is because I've just finished setting up the secondary test for its one hour automated run and my normal test doesnt need anything...right this moment anyway...give it a few.

Special Project Girl...

Well it seems I'm special project girl again. (YAY!) As stressful as it can sometimes be I love the rush of getting everything done when others have said it can't be done. Now and for the next six weeks I'm not only running my test, but another test as well, this is of course on top of helping out one of our staff by looking over the work of techs on another project. All in all a good day, things aren't going as quickly as I would like, I'm still not efficient enough on my second test, but that will come with time. There's not too much I could do however; to speed the process up, it's pretty streamlined and runs rather well which is a good thing. Thankfully, there's not too much to be done with it.

So far...so good.

Well, my changes have been going well so far, and other than that today has been completely unremarkable to be perfectly honest. I spent my day at work as I always spend my days at work and life went on. A rather dull blog post for a rather dull day.

However; I found out that I've got one major supporter in the changes that I am working towards making (other than those who live with me of course) and that alone has helped well. I haven't touched Moonlit all week...not that I've lost interest, just that with the changes that were made I don't really have time, not that I'm arguing, work is for work after all. I'm thinking perhaps this weekend taking the almighty laptop and my MP3 player (provided I find the blasted thing) out to a park or something and just doing some completely unguided writing. My comparably unbiased critic had a lot of good things to say about my voice version 2.0 and so the changes in my writing begin. Not the style really, just better writing over all.

Revolutionary Changes

Well, the time for change has come. Kota and I are making, what in our families would be a revolutionary change. What is this change you ask? I'm becoming a vegetarian. With my early stage gall-bladder disease I'm early enough to cut it off at the pass and so it's time to make some changes. We're starting by cutting the last remnants of meat from our diet (except for the occassional sushi and shrimp, that doesn't count damnit), I'm working on cutting back on my smoking as we speak and intend to have it dropped entirely soon, preferrably BEFORE my three month vacation. We're walking every night now and soon will be buying weighted wrist bands to help that do more for us. We are taking this whole weight loss revolution slowly so that we don't hurt ourselves, we do after all need to make sure that we are adequately addressing my hypoglycemia so that I don't go to loose weight and go into shock instead.

The changes go beyond just our bodies, the house is slowly getting a makeover, since we don't have furniture, we're building furniture...well storage anyway, out of media boxes. Xerox provided for our move with their trash and now they will provide for our storage with their trash. Things are going well, real well.

Flaws.

I have one particular flaw that gets me into depression trouble time and time again. It has caused many many problems for me when it comes to dealing with others because it causes me to resent them unintentionally for views of me that I don't understand. That particular flaw however; is a good one to exploit in this particular instance and that is my bad habit of gaining my sense of personal worth from what other people think...or may think of me. Even at times when no one is out there thinking badly about me I always wonder if they are. To that effect I intend to use this blog in part to track my adhesion to my set goals list. Thankfully most of these goals are goals that do not cost money and so lack of funds does not stand in my way when it comes to completing most of them. With one of them I stand to actually gain money and that is my goal to wean myself off of cigarettes. Eventually I will do what I can to get rid of my need of other peoples shining approval to make myself feel worth anything at all, but for now, I'll focus on these things and use that flaw to its best advantage. Wish me luck. Not like I have any readers other than my husband who loves me just the way I am, but for a moment I will pretend that there are others out there who give a damn whether or not I succeed.

Small Steps

I've found some information that may help with my weight loss goals...counting calories is going to be the difficult part. Already I have...okay eating habits. I perhaps eat too few meals (believe it or not.) and eat the wrong things when I do eat. I was trying to figure out how in the hell I was managing to gain weight while eating so little and I found it was likely a combination of a couple of factors.

1. My body has gone into the 'starvation mode' where it saves every extra calorie it possibly can
2. I eat too late at night when I do have dinner at home.
3. When I eat before work it's usually the local buffet (granted I rarely eat even a full plate.)

I've found this great site. www.smallstep.gov which offers some small, easy to follow steps to slowly and safetly loose weight while keeping a busy lifestyle. Many of them will be easier when I can get my dog... and when it's not so damn hot. Thankfully summers are short in Oregon. I've also decided to take that same approach with my school work. Instead of focusing on how quickly I can get this school work done I'll take one day a week to do one lesson a week. This weekend I'm going to try it on a weekend. If that's too difficult maybe gettting up before work and getting a little bit of studying done will help. We've already addressed the fact that I need to quit smoking, however; I've already proven I can't quit while working without posing a hazard to my co-workers and my work equipment. I however; am creating a list of small lifestyle goals that will help.

Depressing Realizations

I've come to the depressing realization that according to the CDC I rank as obese. Honestly I'm not a fat person, looking at myself I'd only qualify me as overweight. Granted it's become visibly obvious enough that it has started to affect my outlook. The biggest problem with this (other than giving someone who already suffers from depression, one more reason to be depressed.) Is that though I am not yet the only income in my household I will be shortly. My family has a high history of heart problems, which as everyone by now knows only get worse with the more weight one puts on. For the sake of my family I cannot afford to be 'overweight' or 'obese'. So the time has come for some change, honestly a lot of changes are needed. I still haven't sat down and completed another lesson despite my honest wish to do so. Looks like it's time to buckle down, unfortunately that's hard to do in a household where when we're not working we're playing games. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to do class work while everyone else plays whatever our current favorite game is, but I'm never going to really be able to provide for my family until I get a degree.

So this means that a lot of the time when I could be spending time with my family I'm going to need to be locking myself away in mine and Kota' s room to work on school work. Maybe if I focus on my lessons one day each weekend I'll get back to making the progress I want to. With regards to the daily workouts I should be doing it's going to be extremely difficult once again, in a sedentary house. However; these are changes that for the future safety of my family need to be made. Kota's not physically capable of easily holding down even a part time job, and even if he could find one has difficulty keeping them due to a variety of health issues, including his own weight issues, though nothing we have tried seems to work. Perhaps I can talk him into working out with me each day, though this is definately not the right season to start such things, between his allergies and his PTC we're kind of fucked. Oh well, I've accomplished more difficult things, maybe this won't be too hard.

Too much fun...

Well, today I'm exhausted, Kota, Kiro and a friend of ours Julie sat and pretty much watched the sun rise today. It was a good night but I can't help but be exhausted today. At least they've found me something productive to do at work. While I don't mind the occassional busy work day, too many in a row leads to terrible terrible boredom. The writing has gone well so far, though I still have no clue where this story is going. A bad way to write I know, but sometimes for me it's the only way.

Welcome Home Muse!

My muse finally came back from walkabout, this time bearing the face of a dingy young man with longer than normal canines and amber-gold eyes. I'm not sure what he's even all about yet, but I have five whole paragraphs, granted they are more about his world than him, but I'm sure he will reveal himself. This is not to say that I have given up on the character that people hate to love, simply that he will come into play elsewhere. I simply haven't decided where yet. I've wound up taking the 'dark urban paranormal' title to heart it seems and the world this young man walks through is a dark one indeed. Yet still so full of beauty, for there is beauty in all things, be the of the light or of the dark. The most hideous beast is not without his own dark beauty just as the avenging angel encompasses beauty of ethereal light.

So everyone welcome back the muse, but not too loudly it's startled by loud noises and might run away never to be seen again. ;-;.

Passed quietly in the night.

I have to wonder as I look back at my various attempts and their repeated failures if SD is ever going to come to fruition. In the attempt to create a fantastic world where my readers could connect with characters whose flaws were as deep as their part in the story, where each character had deeply moving convictions I keep getting lost somewhere. Perhaps it's time to take this back to the drawing board. It seems the series had died quietly in the night when I wasn't even aware of the life fading slowly from it. However; one haunting scene keeps entering my head, perhaps I'll start with that and see where it takes me.

Another day in the life...

Yet another day begun, another sunrise over the suburban landscape that I currently call home, another round of annoying bird chirping first thing in the morning. All in all the day has started out okay. Not great by any means but definately at least okay. I came home last night to a beautifully spotless house (or at least the public areas) and the meeting I was so concerned about went well. Whether that will remain true remains to be seen, however; for now I simply wait and hope that progress is being made at a rate that is at least acceptable to her.

To Andrew Keen who most recently caused quite the ruckas amongst bloggers by stating that the internet was full of amateurs I have only this to say. The internet may no longer be darpanet it may no longer be simply a community of intellectuals who collaborate on research projects all over the world, but that is no excuse for your statements. The internet is the gutenburg press of this era, it has opened up a world that oft times was missed by those who did not have the time, money or energy to be spent on carting around various newspapers and books. However; I will agree on one point, it has opened the world up to a lot of 'meaningless' writings, of which this stands as one of them. For a man who keeps a blog himself however; stating that blogging is meaningless is hypocritical at best. My blog keeps me accountable for the goals and plans that I set forth, what does yours do for you? Sure, it has also opened up the world to a juvenile langauge called leet, in many gamers circles if you cannot at least read leet you are considered illiterate. While I long ago decided to keep my writing to just that, writing using complete sentances and those funny things called punctuation marks (Though my grammar and punctuation are far from perfect,) we cannot deny that leet too has its place amongst those who choose to use it. The internet offers a glimpse into the beauty of another living beings mind, whether it be dark, golden or simply mundane the internet allows people to connect and communicate in ways that were neigh impossible before it's inception.

Now that I've gotten my completely off topic portion of this post done, where was I? Oh yes, a not quite great day. Alex once again called in today, it seems he does this anytime we are in our current situation at work, I definately see a pattern here, and potentially unfortunately for Alex, so does Mike. As I swiftly move towards my one year mark in my current position I am indeed thinking about the future, what am I going to do if, (though it does not seem likely) I don't get brought back at the end of my three month layoff period? Thankfully I'll have unemployment, but it's hardly going to be enough to keep me and my small family going, I have at times considered getting a second job, but for now I will simply wait and see. With school I really cannot afford to be working two jobs, not if I want to keep either of them that is.

Speaking of school I've been rather lax, which I feel bad for, however; I am in the position of needing to stretch my lessons out for another 7-8 months. So that I'm not sitting around paying for school that I'm done with, so the hiatus has been useful, but it's time to get back to work. I've found it increasingly hard to focus however; I'm hoping a ritual may help to bring me back to ground so I'm going to be planning that for some time either this week or next

The last grade of a 75 in my last lesson was more than a little disheartening, but I knew math was the area I was going to have the most trouble in. I have yet to find out exactly where I messed up on those questions, but at least I passed the test. I'm hoping that my next few lessons will bring my grade from an 88 back up to the 98 that it was prior to this particular lesson. I dread my technical math class that is the next one I have to deal with, however; at least those text books should explain how to do the problems. If not I'm afraid I may fail this semester. I hate math. To top it off I've never been that good at math, it's never really made much sense to me. I am however; looking forward to my technical literacy and my English comp classes.

Lessons Death has Taught.

This blog post has been floating around in my head for the little over one month since my fathers death and I was sincerely hoping that perhaps putting it into writing would make it stop bringing me to tears especially since it hits the hardest when I'm at work.

I never thought that Saturday evening that I would be telling my father good bye for the last time. I left his bedside as he lay dying in the hospital a day earlier than planned so that I could prepare for an important meeting that I had hoped would lead to an interview. I remember his raspy voice as he said what I was and still am certain was 'go on, don't worry about me.' My response was 'I'll see you on Friday.' That next week was a three day weekend for me because I'd requested a day off work. As expected I went to work on Monday to start the first of a four day week and at 9:45 pm the thought crossed my mind that my father was dying, it was like the realization hit me all at once, it left my breathless but I bit back the tears and continued my work, because thats just how I cope. At 7 am the Tuesday, May 18th I received a call from my adopted aunt that my father had died at 9:45 pm Monday night.

My birth family didn't call me, not even to ensure that I had been informed. If it hadn't been for Pam I never would have known. I made it through an increasingly tense week and weekend and then finally, on Monday I broke down. He had been dead for one week. I finally found out about his wake and as the time came to go I increasingly dreaded it, as much as I wanted to be there for his sake, my religion does not support mourning the dead in such a manner, you are not supposed to gather and weep over their ashes as they are spread, you are to spread them in a place they have requested and then you are to move on to celebrating their life. I wound up not going, in part because of my religion, in part because of the fact that the people I would have been riding with would likely have been drinking beforehand. I still feel horrible about it.

I still haven't really gotten over it, but it has reaffirmed one thing, love goes on beyond the veil, it alone bridges the gap between life and death and lifts one closer to their personal god(dess). I still love him and miss him deeply despite the fact that he was rarely around to begin with. Just knowing that he will never walk me down the aisle, we will never again go camping, or fishing or just plain shooting things. I find it difficult to cry though, in part because he hated crying, he felt it was a waste of energy. I still often times find the pressure building within to just cry, or perhaps scream.

I have nothing left of him but memories, his worldly possessions meager though they were have likely been distributed amongst the rest of the family. As such I am left to simply cherish the memories of a man lost. Though he was no great contributer to humanity, indeed many would look upon him with distaste, he was my father and his actions did shape my world view. My world seems smaller somehow without him despite the growing possibilities that await behind newly opened doors. I continue to pass through these doors in part each step taken a tribute to him. He loved me in his own way, it is a shame it took his death to make me see it.

Unusually Good Day

Not entirely sure why it's such a good day, but despite feeling like crap it is just that...a really good day. D will be coming over tonight and as much as I am concerned that things will get ugly the moment we let our guard down, I'm still looking forward to it. Glutton for punishment I guess. But the way I see it, we enjoy each and every moment we get and hope to the gods above that we don't do whatever it is that upset her again. I think the problems she has with us are being resolved but since I've never quite figured out exactly what it is I can't be sure but we can hope that the changes I am making because I feel they are needed will be good enough. I cannot help but still feel like a bad person when I go back over e-mails that were sent to me and it kills me that I don't know exactly what I did and thus I cannot take any real steps to fix it. So, I came to a compromise with myself, fix what I feel needs to be fixed and then take it from there.

On the less scary side of good news, we've been invited to start participating in rituals with another group of pagans in the complex, as nervous as I am about gathering with a bunch of people I don't know I'm really looking forward to it. Finally we have a group of what could become friends other than DMC. They are great after all, but it's kind of depressing to look up and realize that you only have three people you can TRULY relate to. Sure I've got aqcuaintances at work, but that's all they are really, I can't see myself going out of my way to spend a bunch of extra time with them 'just because' because we really don't have THAT much in common.

Getting my altar together is going well, a piece here, a piece there, it won't really pick up again until after three month and vacation is saved for. Oh did I mention? No, I don't think I did, but if we can afford it Kota and I will be heading back down to Cali to go sailing with Captain. I really look forward to it, sure it means likely up to two days working to get Veeg sea ready but I miss the sea so much that it's very very worth it. Wish us luck on that!

One day down, four to go.

Alright, so I had wanted to blog this weekend, it just didn't happen. However; I had a wonderful weekend. I left work at 7, caught the bus off campus at 7:03 and Kota and I were at dinner by 8. We spent more money on the credit card this weekend that we TECHNICALLY should have, but I have yet to make a late payment and I'm not too concerned about it. I've spent so long concerning myself with trying to zero out the balance that I haven't stopped to think about the fact that this is at least current debt. It's money that IS being paid back, I haven't gone over my limit and wont and I'm quickly chipping away at the balance.

Aside from that however; we spent a lovely weekend sitting at home and gaming. Tried to work on school stuff but kept falling asleep after our first unintentional full night up. We lived off pizza and soda and of course the ever present coffee! It was a good weekend. Sure I've been ending every night with a glass or two of baking soda water, but I've been out of my script for a while (and the other stuff I had didn't work very well to begin with and now it's expired.) Pretty much done with the template we've been working on and we'll be working on another one likely starting tomorrow. I intend to bring my text book to work and do some good solid reading during my breaks.

Happy Friday!

Well, looks like my lucky day. Work is already done for the day and I get to book out of here early. Going to take the hubby out for dinner, sure, not much of a night on the town, but lots of fun considering that normally I'd still be at work. All in all work wise it's been a good week. I get to spend some time just kicking back and relaxing tonight. It's better than spinning around in my chair staring at the ceiling and watching the clock tick slowly by. Alright alright I admit it, I usually don't mind getting paid to do nothing but for some reason...I just wanted to go home. Don't worry, it's not burnout, I think it's just wanting to go home and get some time to be close and truly alone before I come to the great savings race and am no longer able to afford going home early even if I wanted to. Well, readers, goodbye, good night and good weekend and perhaps I might remember to post this weekend.

Seperate, and most certainly not equal.

Oregon is taking one small step forward for the LGBT community in allowing domestic partnerships, however; we unfortunately live in a world where not all contracts are created equally. Viewed from a stricktly legal position, marriege is just that, a legally binding contract between two adults (unfortunately a man and a woman). However; because the 'state of marriege' is supposedly sacred, it seems that those who have given our hearts to another cannot gain the same legal protections. Even in Mass. the one state the actually allow gay marriege federal law overrides some of the vital protections. Not to say that I will not be rushing to the courthouse with every one else, simply that I do not believe this fight is over. Until the United States government recognizes that church and state are seperate and our marriege is like all marriege essentially a contract to be upheld in ALL states, much as a drivers lisence or current marriege lisence is the fight will continue.

This remenicient of the fight for womens rights and black's rights to anyone else? It's a sad world we live in when the United States a country founded on the right of religious and personal freedom states that we cannot be free because we do not love the same way they do. In a country where divorce rates among heterosexual couples has been high since long before the thought of gay marriege came up, how they can say we are a threat I'm not sure I will ever understand. Take necessary protections, but do not give up the fight for equality. WE are American citizens just like all the hetero couples out there. Do not however fail to take the opportunity being presented to us, it may be all we get for a while and it may at least cover some of the problems in the interim, we are going to be in a long hard fight and we need to take every victory (no matter how small) very seriously.

Helpful Ranting

Wow, you would think as a writer I would understand how much writing helps, but even I was surprised when simply writing about my momentary resentment made any lingering particles of resentment disappear like so much smoke before a wind storm. Personally I think I am rather lucky. I work 40 hours a week, unlike most people who work 40 hours a week in addition to grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning house, walking the dog, etc...etc...etc. 40 hours a week, gets me a full weeks check, a clean house, ususally (when either of us thinks about it) laundry that is caught up and kept that way, pets that are cared for when I can't be there, dinner on the table, usually promptly when I get home from work. Even still occassionally I get overrun by petty resentment, good to know I can write it away.

The darker side of human nature...

And no, I'm not talking about the wild, passionate side that courts danger. I'm talking about the jealous angry child in all of us. Who unprovoked and unexpectedly rears it's ugly head when it's least expected. Today of all days I should have had absolutely no reason for the minor flash of resentment that came when I realized that my husband had a little cleaning to do on the house before he would be free to play games the rest of the day while I worked. Thankfully the disgusting feeling didn't last long and was as it should be instantly replaced by guilt. There is no reason I should resent him for his place, I like my job and he is where he is supposed to be, where I promised him years ago I would try to get him.

I cannot help but wonder though if this is why despite the fact that I try really hard not to be a lazy slob on weekends I find myself unable to lift a hand to help around the house. That too pisses me off. So he doesn't work 8 hours a day 5 days a week, he does a pretty good job keeping the house clean and as time goes by he'll likely get to the point where he is not only keeping the house spotless, he's getting all the laundry done...(well all of ours anyway,) and making lunch for me to take to work before I've even gotten home. I have to wonder though if I just woke up on thw wrong side of the bed this morning, because most days he's exactly where I want him. Today however; was the juvenile resentment that once he was done with his few chores he got to just do whatever. Ah well, that particular emotion is beaten again. As it should be. If it ever gets to the point where I'm having trouble forcing it back down THEN I'll talk to him about a part time job. Besides it will likely all get better when we get our puppies, because then his job will not only be to keep the house clean, the laundry done, and have dinner ready when I got home it would also be to work with both the puppies on housebreaking.

Sometimes I hate being human. Sometimes I hate having feelings, if I didn't have them I wouldn't have to fight like I did today. Short fight or not it should have been completely unnecessary. *sighs* Ah well, battle won. Me one, inner bitch zero.

The return to normalcy

Alright, I pretty much didn't post all weekend, but I got a little busy doing other things. This post is likely to be really short, but it's the end of my work day and I wanted to get a post in before going home, because there is absolutely no way I'll post once I get home. Hey at least I admit my flaws right? The weekend was wonderful. Three days of doing pretty much nothing. Kota and I went to the movies and then Kota, Kiro and I went to dinner. Then we spent the entire next day playing LC. LC is an evilly addicting MMORPG. On monday we LCed and played a game of monopoly. All in all a wonderful weekend. Not to mention the fact that it's already Tuesday so this week's going to go by quickly. Today went well, I had just enough work to do to last most the night without either leaving me with absolutely nothing to do or keeping me so busy I was sweating. That makes it a good day around here. Tonight I return home to try out a new MMO that Kota found, it will give us a bit of a change of pace, I'm looking forward to it. Unfortunately however; I need to get back to work (I have a few more small things that need to be done before I go help the other projects get ready to leave.) Have a good night everyone and I hope to write tomorrow. For now I'll just keep my posting goal small, one post for each work day. Wish me luck on that one...I'm not real good at remembering to post.