Blindsided by Terror

We're not talking the 'holy shit I could loose my job' type of terror, we're talking a terror so deep, so painful that one day blends into another. It hit after having lunch with Kota when I realized it's been almost a year since our last episode. Granted for me an episode has the requirement of last at least one hour. I remember the terror filled year of hell that started all of our troubles. All I can think is that the only reason I'm having this current fear is that we've never gone this long without an episode.

I'm not sure, but I somehow doubt that any of you out there know what it's like to come home from work and have your husband not know who you are...at least not what you are to him. It's a painful and frightening process, there were times when we'd be out and all of the sudden out of the middle of nowhere, no warning, no precursor it would hit. I remember the time when we'd go through several episodes a day, with at times only a few minutes of relief between, the times they would occur when I was laid flat were the worst, I couldn't get up to do a damn thing about them. This horrible stretch of issues continued until the 'condition' surfaced, dealing with both nearly drove me mad at times. There are times when I look back at that time period and all I see is pain, fear, anger a whole range of emotions on top of feeling completely and utterly helpless. Everywhere I went to reach for help people stared at me like I was the one having an episode. I remember during the last one, almost a year ago being told that my housemates were surprised by my strength, they didn't know how I had handled it and held it all together.

Scary thing is, I know that is one of the big reasons I'm pushing for our declaration, so that when something happens and when I need to I can present people with proof that I have the right to make the decisions I do, that I have the right to care for him without them standing in my way. And in the case of the single most difficult night of my life I have the capability to do what needs to be done to protect him from himself and others. Despite the fact that he obviously was having issues, they continued to look to him for answers that he could not give, I did not exist, they tried to speak with him about paying, he hardly understood the concept of money, except for the fact that it bought neat things. One year...I have had nightmares the past few nights regarding the year of neverending hell I keep waiting for it to all start over again...and as much as I look forward to the two of us having our own place it scares the living shit out of me that I might come home one night to find out that I am entirely too late. I know I could handle it if it happened again, but it would not be plesant I can only hope that this year continues on to two...three that I never have to go through that again, because honestly I think the thing that scared him most was not knowing what had happened...I sometimes still wonder, if I hadn't told him what was going on, would he ever have realized why I was in so much pain, so much turmoil?