I still keep up with the blog of a chapter that closed itself to me not too long ago. While I understand and accept that that part of my life is over, I think I continue to check it out of a combination of things, habit, fear...fear of what is being said when I'm not looking, and simply wanting to know. Though we will likely never be close again, because of the pain she has caused and the fact that apparently it's always, eternally mine and Kota's fault and even though she apprently never has any fault in the situation, I still care, I still want to know she's doing okay. Today however; her blog entry brought me once again to tears, this time not because she'd practically called me lazy and worthless, but because she reminded me of what I so recently lost.
May 17th, it was a Monday. I remember reading the e-mail from someone I hadn't spoken to since I was 10 years old and thinking there was no way. No way he could be leaving me, I was angry with him because it was then and there that I realized just how much I'd wanted him to be a part of. I'd sent him an invitation to my graduation and never gotten any response, and I didn't intend for that to be the case with the associates degree I was pursuing. I'd met a wonderful man and wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I wanted so desperately for that man to be proud of me to know in the depths of my heart that he was proud and that he did care. I miss him terribly and still cannot bring myself to cry for him of my own accord, so I guess the blog post was a good thing. I simply hope for her that she gets what she so desperately wants before she too looses the chance. May the Goddess guide her.
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