*growl* *snarl* *growl*

While it's been a good day, it's still be one of 'those' days. You know those days where everything seems to be conspiring against you. Where you look around and you wonder who up there is poking fun at you today. Someone let Loki loose with my printers before they got to me and he did quite the number on them. Not to mention the fact that someone clouded a co-workers mind and now I may be the one to ensure that the reports come out all right despite the fact. All in all things could be much worse but I've just wanted to rip my hair out all day.

At least it seems from Kota's post that he should be calmer again. I need to try to find someway to get him back on his T even if it means sending him downtown every two weeks and somehow managing to pay for the T and a cab back, he was much more calm then, things were better for many reasons. *grins* and if he pissed me off I could always threaten to tap the needle. Not that I ever would mind you. It's odd, he's not the only one whose been more aggressive, I have as well, though mine is a quieter rage, it smolders inside of me like tiny embers lining every nerve of my body until finally it suffocates. I have had more time to get ahold of my temper and mine has always been a quiet temper...the quieter I got the more you needed to worry and god forbid you actually make me talk about it when I'm quiet. Sometimes it's best just to let me sit for a few.

To be perfectly honest I've really be fighting that darker side of me lately, the side of me that wants to react to Kota's latest fits of temper. The side of me that sees them as a challenge that cannot be backed down from. I don't know where that clash would go...who would win doesn't really matter it likely wouldn't change anything one way or the other...but I fear it could get violent.

Yet there is also that side of me that has to fight the urge to egg him on...to turn that violence towards me, to be perfectly honest I've spent many years feeling as if I needed to be in pain, but I was too much of a coward to cut, even when I was busy attempting suicide. Yeah I know...I have issues, if you're thinking it you're far from the first and listen you don't know the half of it, but so long as they continue not to affect my daily life I'm not going to worry about them. I don't have insurance and what's wrong with a few hallucinations that point out the things you should know or be doing anyway...ever had your conscious glare you into doing something you knew you should? Yeah...didn't think so. *shrugs* Oh well, we shall see how things go.

I'm sure his temper is likely to flare again and part of me has considered enrolling him in a martial arts class...it would be a good work out and good disipline training. Besides it's something he's expressed interest in. Sure I couldn't join him because my schedule prevents that but that's alright he's the one who needs it most anyway and besides, he could come home and teach me. I'd be willing to pay for it if I knew he was going to go.

I've smoked much more than usual today and probably will continue to do so. I'm a little off...I've got that all over nerve endings on fire pain again...it drives me to put another nail in the coffin as they say.