Failed...again.

Well, I couldn't even make myself get one lesson done this week. Perhaps I shouldn't have bothered putting my money towards this, first semester and I'm already fucking it up. Well, time to try something else to get it done, I knew it was possible that I wouldn't be able to make myself get it done while everyone else was playing, so looks like it's time to try to do it before work. Hell, I failed a lot this week, but what can I say, it's what I'm best at. I couldn't even keep myself from smoking for two whole days and as anticipated it pulled Kota off track too. Not that I'm giving up mind you, I just can't help but be depressed that it feels like I can't even get the simpelist thing done without trying to make excuses, perhaps she was right, perhaps I am more lazy than I thought.

I do great at work, often times pulling far more than my fair share, but why is it that when I walk into my house everything falls apart, I become lazy, irresponsible and more like my father than I ever wanted to be. More than a little upsetting, but bitching about it isn't going to make it better, caving to my laziness and allowing myself, and Kota to make excuses has to stop. When I'm not making excuses for myself he is so that I don't feel bad for cheating on my smoking goals (though honestly the first one was warrented, the strange seizures are helped by smoking...the others however; were unneccesary.), avoiding work or just plan being a disgusting waste of energy, sitting at my computer staring avidly into someone else's world. Gaming isn't bad and it's not like its an evil or anything, but it too is an addiction, it's not as if I even did anything important (other than make a great mess of the kitchen helping to make pizza from scratch) to keep me from the school work I said I was going to do. Once again I procrastinated and two weeks has become four. This really does have to stop...I just feel like I'm sliding down hill. Next thing you know we're going to be right back where we were two years ago and once again it will be my fault for not standing up and doing something to make our lives better. Who knows, perhaps I can use this post to fuel me to suck it up and do what needs to be done. It would be easier if perhaps there were other people out there who seemed to give a damn but Kota is my only support and oft times not enough, because he's going to love me whether I fuck this up or not.