Thursday, June 28, 2007
Weee Shift work!
Well, the week of the ninth should be fun. I'm supposed to come in Monday, the ninth on swing shift as usual and then go to day shift the next day, in other words I'll be getting up about the time I'm usually going to bed. Isn't that going to be fun, well, since one of my workpieces sounds like it fell apart, I'm going to slip off early...that was not a good sound.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Blindsided by Terror
We're not talking the 'holy shit I could loose my job' type of terror, we're talking a terror so deep, so painful that one day blends into another. It hit after having lunch with Kota when I realized it's been almost a year since our last episode. Granted for me an episode has the requirement of last at least one hour. I remember the terror filled year of hell that started all of our troubles. All I can think is that the only reason I'm having this current fear is that we've never gone this long without an episode.
I'm not sure, but I somehow doubt that any of you out there know what it's like to come home from work and have your husband not know who you are...at least not what you are to him. It's a painful and frightening process, there were times when we'd be out and all of the sudden out of the middle of nowhere, no warning, no precursor it would hit. I remember the time when we'd go through several episodes a day, with at times only a few minutes of relief between, the times they would occur when I was laid flat were the worst, I couldn't get up to do a damn thing about them. This horrible stretch of issues continued until the 'condition' surfaced, dealing with both nearly drove me mad at times. There are times when I look back at that time period and all I see is pain, fear, anger a whole range of emotions on top of feeling completely and utterly helpless. Everywhere I went to reach for help people stared at me like I was the one having an episode. I remember during the last one, almost a year ago being told that my housemates were surprised by my strength, they didn't know how I had handled it and held it all together.
Scary thing is, I know that is one of the big reasons I'm pushing for our declaration, so that when something happens and when I need to I can present people with proof that I have the right to make the decisions I do, that I have the right to care for him without them standing in my way. And in the case of the single most difficult night of my life I have the capability to do what needs to be done to protect him from himself and others. Despite the fact that he obviously was having issues, they continued to look to him for answers that he could not give, I did not exist, they tried to speak with him about paying, he hardly understood the concept of money, except for the fact that it bought neat things. One year...I have had nightmares the past few nights regarding the year of neverending hell I keep waiting for it to all start over again...and as much as I look forward to the two of us having our own place it scares the living shit out of me that I might come home one night to find out that I am entirely too late. I know I could handle it if it happened again, but it would not be plesant I can only hope that this year continues on to two...three that I never have to go through that again, because honestly I think the thing that scared him most was not knowing what had happened...I sometimes still wonder, if I hadn't told him what was going on, would he ever have realized why I was in so much pain, so much turmoil?
I'm not sure, but I somehow doubt that any of you out there know what it's like to come home from work and have your husband not know who you are...at least not what you are to him. It's a painful and frightening process, there were times when we'd be out and all of the sudden out of the middle of nowhere, no warning, no precursor it would hit. I remember the time when we'd go through several episodes a day, with at times only a few minutes of relief between, the times they would occur when I was laid flat were the worst, I couldn't get up to do a damn thing about them. This horrible stretch of issues continued until the 'condition' surfaced, dealing with both nearly drove me mad at times. There are times when I look back at that time period and all I see is pain, fear, anger a whole range of emotions on top of feeling completely and utterly helpless. Everywhere I went to reach for help people stared at me like I was the one having an episode. I remember during the last one, almost a year ago being told that my housemates were surprised by my strength, they didn't know how I had handled it and held it all together.
Scary thing is, I know that is one of the big reasons I'm pushing for our declaration, so that when something happens and when I need to I can present people with proof that I have the right to make the decisions I do, that I have the right to care for him without them standing in my way. And in the case of the single most difficult night of my life I have the capability to do what needs to be done to protect him from himself and others. Despite the fact that he obviously was having issues, they continued to look to him for answers that he could not give, I did not exist, they tried to speak with him about paying, he hardly understood the concept of money, except for the fact that it bought neat things. One year...I have had nightmares the past few nights regarding the year of neverending hell I keep waiting for it to all start over again...and as much as I look forward to the two of us having our own place it scares the living shit out of me that I might come home one night to find out that I am entirely too late. I know I could handle it if it happened again, but it would not be plesant I can only hope that this year continues on to two...three that I never have to go through that again, because honestly I think the thing that scared him most was not knowing what had happened...I sometimes still wonder, if I hadn't told him what was going on, would he ever have realized why I was in so much pain, so much turmoil?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Spring cleaning...a little late.
Well, I haven't gotten any school work done lately, but at least this time I had a reason for it. For some reason on Sunday I was attacked by mega cleaning bug of DOOOM! It's carried over for the rest of the week and thus made it a little difficult to work on school work too, which is okay I've got more than enough time to finish and if I can just make it through this semester I know the others won't be too difficult. Maybe I've just been pushing myself too hard with all other other lifestyle changes I wanted to make, now that I cut it into smaller more delectable bites things are going much easier and it's much less stressful, so while I still will be finishing this semester before I start my next contract I'm going to be a little easier on myself, all things will come in time and these changes are part of those things. After all if I push myself too hard I'm just going to ramp my smoking up again and I'm happy with my five a day rule, it's going well. Not only that I'm kind of looking forward to dropping one of those smokes next month.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Off Kilter
I hate, I hate, I HATE Peter...oh wait wrong line...missing work. Ehem. Not because I REALLY REALLY want to be here, I mean I really love my job but who among us could not think of something they would rather be doing with their time. I hate missing work because I come back and so much has changed it's hard to get back to what's going on and NOT feel like I'm screwing something up. For example I had this thing that I usually log in one way that I had to log in another and I could not for the life of me remember which was I was supposed to log it, if I was supposed to log it at all since when the moon is in the third house of aquarius we don't log it at all. Thankfully I found out that I did handle it correctly, but still, it throws things off and makes me uncomfortable. It's that way even when I request the time off, unfortunately things change around here so quickly that even when i request time off when we supposedly have nothing to do things change and then we wind up with a ripple effect that if not caught can change things all the way through the rest of the test...and as such I hate I hate I hate...Missing work!. Hah! Stuck the dismount.
Things with the puppy are going well, he's potty training quickly, though his little tummy is still getting used to the food changes. He's been with us for three days and he has sit down pat, provided you can get him to pay attention at all.
Things with the puppy are going well, he's potty training quickly, though his little tummy is still getting used to the food changes. He's been with us for three days and he has sit down pat, provided you can get him to pay attention at all.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Wow...
Well, I actually had to tell Danielle I couldn't run two tests at once...I feel terrible about it, but the template for my new primary test has some serious issues, granted the program that creates them often gives us templates with issues, but this one really takes the cake. She didn't seem too annoyed, personally I think I was more annoyed than she was but my primary test takes precedence and is definately of a higher priority since it might mean that some things get completely changed.
In good news however; Kota will be training Kit starting tomorrow...once we pick Kit up. We don't normally give money to pet stores, but Kit was just too perfect. It will allow Kota to bond with Kit and get him house trained and then in January/February (or whenever Kiro moves out) we'll get our second puppy and I'll be able to spend that first part of his (or her) life working with them and bonding with them, while Kota helps me to potty train. Kit is absolutely precious, he's a Jack Russel/Aussie mix and he's absolutely precious, he's got the cutest little foxy face.
Needless to say Kota's going to be working all day to get the house spotless before bringing the pup home so that he can spend the rest of the week getting to know him without having to clean too.
In good news however; Kota will be training Kit starting tomorrow...once we pick Kit up. We don't normally give money to pet stores, but Kit was just too perfect. It will allow Kota to bond with Kit and get him house trained and then in January/February (or whenever Kiro moves out) we'll get our second puppy and I'll be able to spend that first part of his (or her) life working with them and bonding with them, while Kota helps me to potty train. Kit is absolutely precious, he's a Jack Russel/Aussie mix and he's absolutely precious, he's got the cutest little foxy face.
Needless to say Kota's going to be working all day to get the house spotless before bringing the pup home so that he can spend the rest of the week getting to know him without having to clean too.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Tagged...
Tagged...me? Huh? *scratches ear looking for new earring* Alright not there, in that case I don't want to know WHERE those scientists decided to tag me. Alright, so I'm supposed to post 8 random facts about me huh...where to start...
How about at 4...4's a good number!
4. Yes I know it's not one, but one's such a lonely number. 13 is my lucky number, in school when everyone else was jokingly talking about what bad things happened to them on Friday the 13th I was busy enjoying my wonderous luck.
5. When I was younger my imaginary friends (who I still talk to sometimes by the way) actually spoke to me, touched me, I didn't have simply visual imaginary friends, I had complete sensory experiences.
6. I taste emotion and some other things too. Anger tastes like black licorice, Fear tastes like sour milk, Love tastes of strawberries. Night tastes like extremely dark chocolate (but only at that moment when the final blue fades from the sky and true darkness descends, oddly enough the taste is stronger out in the boonies away from the city.)
7. When I was 11 I wrote my first novel, it was about a young woman who had lived the first half of her life as her fathers government funded science experiment and then changed everything about her. In that novel the couple were betrayed by her brother-in-law who was a cop for way too many years.
8. I still often have to fight my urge to fight for words of praise from every man I come across, blame a consistantly absent bio-dad and my mothers series of abusive partners.
9. The thing that scares me most (outside of heights) is being viewed as worthless and lazy. For years that was how my mother described my father and how my friends described my mother. It really screws with my head when someone does...and means it.
10. Sometimes when I wake, just before the sleep paralysis wears off I feel as if the weight of the world is pressing down on my chest, for just a few moments it feels as if I have been buried alive.
11. I often have recurring dreams, well less a recurring dream and more a recurring city, I could draw a map of every feature in that city. The number of times and places and manners in which I have died in that city are innumerable.
Alright, had to end on the odd note...or would that be odd number. For those of you who have not yet been tagged by others TAG!
How about at 4...4's a good number!
4. Yes I know it's not one, but one's such a lonely number. 13 is my lucky number, in school when everyone else was jokingly talking about what bad things happened to them on Friday the 13th I was busy enjoying my wonderous luck.
5. When I was younger my imaginary friends (who I still talk to sometimes by the way) actually spoke to me, touched me, I didn't have simply visual imaginary friends, I had complete sensory experiences.
6. I taste emotion and some other things too. Anger tastes like black licorice, Fear tastes like sour milk, Love tastes of strawberries. Night tastes like extremely dark chocolate (but only at that moment when the final blue fades from the sky and true darkness descends, oddly enough the taste is stronger out in the boonies away from the city.)
7. When I was 11 I wrote my first novel, it was about a young woman who had lived the first half of her life as her fathers government funded science experiment and then changed everything about her. In that novel the couple were betrayed by her brother-in-law who was a cop for way too many years.
8. I still often have to fight my urge to fight for words of praise from every man I come across, blame a consistantly absent bio-dad and my mothers series of abusive partners.
9. The thing that scares me most (outside of heights) is being viewed as worthless and lazy. For years that was how my mother described my father and how my friends described my mother. It really screws with my head when someone does...and means it.
10. Sometimes when I wake, just before the sleep paralysis wears off I feel as if the weight of the world is pressing down on my chest, for just a few moments it feels as if I have been buried alive.
11. I often have recurring dreams, well less a recurring dream and more a recurring city, I could draw a map of every feature in that city. The number of times and places and manners in which I have died in that city are innumerable.
Alright, had to end on the odd note...or would that be odd number. For those of you who have not yet been tagged by others TAG!
A breath of fresh air.
Well, running two tests is going okay. I got more done so far today on the secondary test than I did last week and all without hurting my primary test, yay me! Granted, only going over one other persons work rather than 6 other peoples helps a lot. It gives me more time to handle the things that both tests are needing. I'd do much better on the secondary test if there was anything I could do to prepare for the next run other than what I'm already doing. Between running two tests and preparing for the template change on my primary test I've been a busy bee today. I'm considering working on my school work before work instead of on a weekend, needless to say that's not working too well and that way once I come home brain fried from juggling stuff all day I'll be able to just kick back and relax. Until we get our gym memberships that is. Oh? I didn't tell you? We're going to be enrolling in a gym once this semester is paid for because next contract we will have much more time to save for my three month lay off period we will then be able to afford the gym and school.
The people at anytime fitness were great, they didn't push us into getting a membership, they simply told us to contact them when we'd gotten things straightened out and they'd move from there. First however; Kota and I are going to get our declaration of domestic partnership. It's something that's going to be a relatively large up front expenditure, especially when you consider bus fare and everything else, not to mention the fact that the paperwork itself is expensive. It should be a same day affair (at least in comparison to a name change) taking about the same amount of time as a marriege lisence. Well, as much as I would love to continue, I have work that calls. Oh, just a by the way, I have not succeeded in keeping myself to one pack a week but I have dropped from between 6 and 10 smokes a day to just 5! Yay me! What this means is in July I drop myself to four/day (still means I'm having to buy two packs per week, what with usually needing to smoke at least once on the weekends but it's a start.)
The people at anytime fitness were great, they didn't push us into getting a membership, they simply told us to contact them when we'd gotten things straightened out and they'd move from there. First however; Kota and I are going to get our declaration of domestic partnership. It's something that's going to be a relatively large up front expenditure, especially when you consider bus fare and everything else, not to mention the fact that the paperwork itself is expensive. It should be a same day affair (at least in comparison to a name change) taking about the same amount of time as a marriege lisence. Well, as much as I would love to continue, I have work that calls. Oh, just a by the way, I have not succeeded in keeping myself to one pack a week but I have dropped from between 6 and 10 smokes a day to just 5! Yay me! What this means is in July I drop myself to four/day (still means I'm having to buy two packs per week, what with usually needing to smoke at least once on the weekends but it's a start.)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Failed...again.
Well, I couldn't even make myself get one lesson done this week. Perhaps I shouldn't have bothered putting my money towards this, first semester and I'm already fucking it up. Well, time to try something else to get it done, I knew it was possible that I wouldn't be able to make myself get it done while everyone else was playing, so looks like it's time to try to do it before work. Hell, I failed a lot this week, but what can I say, it's what I'm best at. I couldn't even keep myself from smoking for two whole days and as anticipated it pulled Kota off track too. Not that I'm giving up mind you, I just can't help but be depressed that it feels like I can't even get the simpelist thing done without trying to make excuses, perhaps she was right, perhaps I am more lazy than I thought.
I do great at work, often times pulling far more than my fair share, but why is it that when I walk into my house everything falls apart, I become lazy, irresponsible and more like my father than I ever wanted to be. More than a little upsetting, but bitching about it isn't going to make it better, caving to my laziness and allowing myself, and Kota to make excuses has to stop. When I'm not making excuses for myself he is so that I don't feel bad for cheating on my smoking goals (though honestly the first one was warrented, the strange seizures are helped by smoking...the others however; were unneccesary.), avoiding work or just plan being a disgusting waste of energy, sitting at my computer staring avidly into someone else's world. Gaming isn't bad and it's not like its an evil or anything, but it too is an addiction, it's not as if I even did anything important (other than make a great mess of the kitchen helping to make pizza from scratch) to keep me from the school work I said I was going to do. Once again I procrastinated and two weeks has become four. This really does have to stop...I just feel like I'm sliding down hill. Next thing you know we're going to be right back where we were two years ago and once again it will be my fault for not standing up and doing something to make our lives better. Who knows, perhaps I can use this post to fuel me to suck it up and do what needs to be done. It would be easier if perhaps there were other people out there who seemed to give a damn but Kota is my only support and oft times not enough, because he's going to love me whether I fuck this up or not.
I do great at work, often times pulling far more than my fair share, but why is it that when I walk into my house everything falls apart, I become lazy, irresponsible and more like my father than I ever wanted to be. More than a little upsetting, but bitching about it isn't going to make it better, caving to my laziness and allowing myself, and Kota to make excuses has to stop. When I'm not making excuses for myself he is so that I don't feel bad for cheating on my smoking goals (though honestly the first one was warrented, the strange seizures are helped by smoking...the others however; were unneccesary.), avoiding work or just plan being a disgusting waste of energy, sitting at my computer staring avidly into someone else's world. Gaming isn't bad and it's not like its an evil or anything, but it too is an addiction, it's not as if I even did anything important (other than make a great mess of the kitchen helping to make pizza from scratch) to keep me from the school work I said I was going to do. Once again I procrastinated and two weeks has become four. This really does have to stop...I just feel like I'm sliding down hill. Next thing you know we're going to be right back where we were two years ago and once again it will be my fault for not standing up and doing something to make our lives better. Who knows, perhaps I can use this post to fuel me to suck it up and do what needs to be done. It would be easier if perhaps there were other people out there who seemed to give a damn but Kota is my only support and oft times not enough, because he's going to love me whether I fuck this up or not.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Tired
Alright, running two tests is getting to me a bit, but it's okay. In the end I haven't gotten nearly as much done on my secondary test as I had hoped, it seems to take me longer than it did Brad to set it up, but I'm still finding out what works best for me...it doesn't help that I'm a little short...I have difficulty pulling the top trays out to empty them. It makes things a little more difficult with twice the trips to the waste as anticipated, for the top trays at least. Needless to say I haven't had a chance to work on Moonlit, between the increased demands of my current test which thank the gods will be going back to normal soon and this new one that has yet to be fully incoporated into my routine, I've hardly had a chance to breathe. The only reason I can post this now is because I've just finished setting up the secondary test for its one hour automated run and my normal test doesnt need anything...right this moment anyway...give it a few.
Special Project Girl...
Well it seems I'm special project girl again. (YAY!) As stressful as it can sometimes be I love the rush of getting everything done when others have said it can't be done. Now and for the next six weeks I'm not only running my test, but another test as well, this is of course on top of helping out one of our staff by looking over the work of techs on another project. All in all a good day, things aren't going as quickly as I would like, I'm still not efficient enough on my second test, but that will come with time. There's not too much I could do however; to speed the process up, it's pretty streamlined and runs rather well which is a good thing. Thankfully, there's not too much to be done with it.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
So far...so good.
Well, my changes have been going well so far, and other than that today has been completely unremarkable to be perfectly honest. I spent my day at work as I always spend my days at work and life went on. A rather dull blog post for a rather dull day.
However; I found out that I've got one major supporter in the changes that I am working towards making (other than those who live with me of course) and that alone has helped well. I haven't touched Moonlit all week...not that I've lost interest, just that with the changes that were made I don't really have time, not that I'm arguing, work is for work after all. I'm thinking perhaps this weekend taking the almighty laptop and my MP3 player (provided I find the blasted thing) out to a park or something and just doing some completely unguided writing. My comparably unbiased critic had a lot of good things to say about my voice version 2.0 and so the changes in my writing begin. Not the style really, just better writing over all.
However; I found out that I've got one major supporter in the changes that I am working towards making (other than those who live with me of course) and that alone has helped well. I haven't touched Moonlit all week...not that I've lost interest, just that with the changes that were made I don't really have time, not that I'm arguing, work is for work after all. I'm thinking perhaps this weekend taking the almighty laptop and my MP3 player (provided I find the blasted thing) out to a park or something and just doing some completely unguided writing. My comparably unbiased critic had a lot of good things to say about my voice version 2.0 and so the changes in my writing begin. Not the style really, just better writing over all.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Revolutionary Changes
Well, the time for change has come. Kota and I are making, what in our families would be a revolutionary change. What is this change you ask? I'm becoming a vegetarian. With my early stage gall-bladder disease I'm early enough to cut it off at the pass and so it's time to make some changes. We're starting by cutting the last remnants of meat from our diet (except for the occassional sushi and shrimp, that doesn't count damnit), I'm working on cutting back on my smoking as we speak and intend to have it dropped entirely soon, preferrably BEFORE my three month vacation. We're walking every night now and soon will be buying weighted wrist bands to help that do more for us. We are taking this whole weight loss revolution slowly so that we don't hurt ourselves, we do after all need to make sure that we are adequately addressing my hypoglycemia so that I don't go to loose weight and go into shock instead.
The changes go beyond just our bodies, the house is slowly getting a makeover, since we don't have furniture, we're building furniture...well storage anyway, out of media boxes. Xerox provided for our move with their trash and now they will provide for our storage with their trash. Things are going well, real well.
The changes go beyond just our bodies, the house is slowly getting a makeover, since we don't have furniture, we're building furniture...well storage anyway, out of media boxes. Xerox provided for our move with their trash and now they will provide for our storage with their trash. Things are going well, real well.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Flaws.
I have one particular flaw that gets me into depression trouble time and time again. It has caused many many problems for me when it comes to dealing with others because it causes me to resent them unintentionally for views of me that I don't understand. That particular flaw however; is a good one to exploit in this particular instance and that is my bad habit of gaining my sense of personal worth from what other people think...or may think of me. Even at times when no one is out there thinking badly about me I always wonder if they are. To that effect I intend to use this blog in part to track my adhesion to my set goals list. Thankfully most of these goals are goals that do not cost money and so lack of funds does not stand in my way when it comes to completing most of them. With one of them I stand to actually gain money and that is my goal to wean myself off of cigarettes. Eventually I will do what I can to get rid of my need of other peoples shining approval to make myself feel worth anything at all, but for now, I'll focus on these things and use that flaw to its best advantage. Wish me luck. Not like I have any readers other than my husband who loves me just the way I am, but for a moment I will pretend that there are others out there who give a damn whether or not I succeed.
Small Steps
I've found some information that may help with my weight loss goals...counting calories is going to be the difficult part. Already I have...okay eating habits. I perhaps eat too few meals (believe it or not.) and eat the wrong things when I do eat. I was trying to figure out how in the hell I was managing to gain weight while eating so little and I found it was likely a combination of a couple of factors.
1. My body has gone into the 'starvation mode' where it saves every extra calorie it possibly can
2. I eat too late at night when I do have dinner at home.
3. When I eat before work it's usually the local buffet (granted I rarely eat even a full plate.)
I've found this great site. www.smallstep.gov which offers some small, easy to follow steps to slowly and safetly loose weight while keeping a busy lifestyle. Many of them will be easier when I can get my dog... and when it's not so damn hot. Thankfully summers are short in Oregon. I've also decided to take that same approach with my school work. Instead of focusing on how quickly I can get this school work done I'll take one day a week to do one lesson a week. This weekend I'm going to try it on a weekend. If that's too difficult maybe gettting up before work and getting a little bit of studying done will help. We've already addressed the fact that I need to quit smoking, however; I've already proven I can't quit while working without posing a hazard to my co-workers and my work equipment. I however; am creating a list of small lifestyle goals that will help.
1. My body has gone into the 'starvation mode' where it saves every extra calorie it possibly can
2. I eat too late at night when I do have dinner at home.
3. When I eat before work it's usually the local buffet (granted I rarely eat even a full plate.)
I've found this great site. www.smallstep.gov which offers some small, easy to follow steps to slowly and safetly loose weight while keeping a busy lifestyle. Many of them will be easier when I can get my dog... and when it's not so damn hot. Thankfully summers are short in Oregon. I've also decided to take that same approach with my school work. Instead of focusing on how quickly I can get this school work done I'll take one day a week to do one lesson a week. This weekend I'm going to try it on a weekend. If that's too difficult maybe gettting up before work and getting a little bit of studying done will help. We've already addressed the fact that I need to quit smoking, however; I've already proven I can't quit while working without posing a hazard to my co-workers and my work equipment. I however; am creating a list of small lifestyle goals that will help.
Depressing Realizations
I've come to the depressing realization that according to the CDC I rank as obese. Honestly I'm not a fat person, looking at myself I'd only qualify me as overweight. Granted it's become visibly obvious enough that it has started to affect my outlook. The biggest problem with this (other than giving someone who already suffers from depression, one more reason to be depressed.) Is that though I am not yet the only income in my household I will be shortly. My family has a high history of heart problems, which as everyone by now knows only get worse with the more weight one puts on. For the sake of my family I cannot afford to be 'overweight' or 'obese'. So the time has come for some change, honestly a lot of changes are needed. I still haven't sat down and completed another lesson despite my honest wish to do so. Looks like it's time to buckle down, unfortunately that's hard to do in a household where when we're not working we're playing games. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to do class work while everyone else plays whatever our current favorite game is, but I'm never going to really be able to provide for my family until I get a degree.
So this means that a lot of the time when I could be spending time with my family I'm going to need to be locking myself away in mine and Kota' s room to work on school work. Maybe if I focus on my lessons one day each weekend I'll get back to making the progress I want to. With regards to the daily workouts I should be doing it's going to be extremely difficult once again, in a sedentary house. However; these are changes that for the future safety of my family need to be made. Kota's not physically capable of easily holding down even a part time job, and even if he could find one has difficulty keeping them due to a variety of health issues, including his own weight issues, though nothing we have tried seems to work. Perhaps I can talk him into working out with me each day, though this is definately not the right season to start such things, between his allergies and his PTC we're kind of fucked. Oh well, I've accomplished more difficult things, maybe this won't be too hard.
So this means that a lot of the time when I could be spending time with my family I'm going to need to be locking myself away in mine and Kota' s room to work on school work. Maybe if I focus on my lessons one day each weekend I'll get back to making the progress I want to. With regards to the daily workouts I should be doing it's going to be extremely difficult once again, in a sedentary house. However; these are changes that for the future safety of my family need to be made. Kota's not physically capable of easily holding down even a part time job, and even if he could find one has difficulty keeping them due to a variety of health issues, including his own weight issues, though nothing we have tried seems to work. Perhaps I can talk him into working out with me each day, though this is definately not the right season to start such things, between his allergies and his PTC we're kind of fucked. Oh well, I've accomplished more difficult things, maybe this won't be too hard.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Too much fun...
Well, today I'm exhausted, Kota, Kiro and a friend of ours Julie sat and pretty much watched the sun rise today. It was a good night but I can't help but be exhausted today. At least they've found me something productive to do at work. While I don't mind the occassional busy work day, too many in a row leads to terrible terrible boredom. The writing has gone well so far, though I still have no clue where this story is going. A bad way to write I know, but sometimes for me it's the only way.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Welcome Home Muse!
My muse finally came back from walkabout, this time bearing the face of a dingy young man with longer than normal canines and amber-gold eyes. I'm not sure what he's even all about yet, but I have five whole paragraphs, granted they are more about his world than him, but I'm sure he will reveal himself. This is not to say that I have given up on the character that people hate to love, simply that he will come into play elsewhere. I simply haven't decided where yet. I've wound up taking the 'dark urban paranormal' title to heart it seems and the world this young man walks through is a dark one indeed. Yet still so full of beauty, for there is beauty in all things, be the of the light or of the dark. The most hideous beast is not without his own dark beauty just as the avenging angel encompasses beauty of ethereal light.
So everyone welcome back the muse, but not too loudly it's startled by loud noises and might run away never to be seen again. ;-;.
So everyone welcome back the muse, but not too loudly it's startled by loud noises and might run away never to be seen again. ;-;.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Passed quietly in the night.
I have to wonder as I look back at my various attempts and their repeated failures if SD is ever going to come to fruition. In the attempt to create a fantastic world where my readers could connect with characters whose flaws were as deep as their part in the story, where each character had deeply moving convictions I keep getting lost somewhere. Perhaps it's time to take this back to the drawing board. It seems the series had died quietly in the night when I wasn't even aware of the life fading slowly from it. However; one haunting scene keeps entering my head, perhaps I'll start with that and see where it takes me.
Another day in the life...
Yet another day begun, another sunrise over the suburban landscape that I currently call home, another round of annoying bird chirping first thing in the morning. All in all the day has started out okay. Not great by any means but definately at least okay. I came home last night to a beautifully spotless house (or at least the public areas) and the meeting I was so concerned about went well. Whether that will remain true remains to be seen, however; for now I simply wait and hope that progress is being made at a rate that is at least acceptable to her.
To Andrew Keen who most recently caused quite the ruckas amongst bloggers by stating that the internet was full of amateurs I have only this to say. The internet may no longer be darpanet it may no longer be simply a community of intellectuals who collaborate on research projects all over the world, but that is no excuse for your statements. The internet is the gutenburg press of this era, it has opened up a world that oft times was missed by those who did not have the time, money or energy to be spent on carting around various newspapers and books. However; I will agree on one point, it has opened the world up to a lot of 'meaningless' writings, of which this stands as one of them. For a man who keeps a blog himself however; stating that blogging is meaningless is hypocritical at best. My blog keeps me accountable for the goals and plans that I set forth, what does yours do for you? Sure, it has also opened up the world to a juvenile langauge called leet, in many gamers circles if you cannot at least read leet you are considered illiterate. While I long ago decided to keep my writing to just that, writing using complete sentances and those funny things called punctuation marks (Though my grammar and punctuation are far from perfect,) we cannot deny that leet too has its place amongst those who choose to use it. The internet offers a glimpse into the beauty of another living beings mind, whether it be dark, golden or simply mundane the internet allows people to connect and communicate in ways that were neigh impossible before it's inception.
Now that I've gotten my completely off topic portion of this post done, where was I? Oh yes, a not quite great day. Alex once again called in today, it seems he does this anytime we are in our current situation at work, I definately see a pattern here, and potentially unfortunately for Alex, so does Mike. As I swiftly move towards my one year mark in my current position I am indeed thinking about the future, what am I going to do if, (though it does not seem likely) I don't get brought back at the end of my three month layoff period? Thankfully I'll have unemployment, but it's hardly going to be enough to keep me and my small family going, I have at times considered getting a second job, but for now I will simply wait and see. With school I really cannot afford to be working two jobs, not if I want to keep either of them that is.
Speaking of school I've been rather lax, which I feel bad for, however; I am in the position of needing to stretch my lessons out for another 7-8 months. So that I'm not sitting around paying for school that I'm done with, so the hiatus has been useful, but it's time to get back to work. I've found it increasingly hard to focus however; I'm hoping a ritual may help to bring me back to ground so I'm going to be planning that for some time either this week or next
The last grade of a 75 in my last lesson was more than a little disheartening, but I knew math was the area I was going to have the most trouble in. I have yet to find out exactly where I messed up on those questions, but at least I passed the test. I'm hoping that my next few lessons will bring my grade from an 88 back up to the 98 that it was prior to this particular lesson. I dread my technical math class that is the next one I have to deal with, however; at least those text books should explain how to do the problems. If not I'm afraid I may fail this semester. I hate math. To top it off I've never been that good at math, it's never really made much sense to me. I am however; looking forward to my technical literacy and my English comp classes.
To Andrew Keen who most recently caused quite the ruckas amongst bloggers by stating that the internet was full of amateurs I have only this to say. The internet may no longer be darpanet it may no longer be simply a community of intellectuals who collaborate on research projects all over the world, but that is no excuse for your statements. The internet is the gutenburg press of this era, it has opened up a world that oft times was missed by those who did not have the time, money or energy to be spent on carting around various newspapers and books. However; I will agree on one point, it has opened the world up to a lot of 'meaningless' writings, of which this stands as one of them. For a man who keeps a blog himself however; stating that blogging is meaningless is hypocritical at best. My blog keeps me accountable for the goals and plans that I set forth, what does yours do for you? Sure, it has also opened up the world to a juvenile langauge called leet, in many gamers circles if you cannot at least read leet you are considered illiterate. While I long ago decided to keep my writing to just that, writing using complete sentances and those funny things called punctuation marks (Though my grammar and punctuation are far from perfect,) we cannot deny that leet too has its place amongst those who choose to use it. The internet offers a glimpse into the beauty of another living beings mind, whether it be dark, golden or simply mundane the internet allows people to connect and communicate in ways that were neigh impossible before it's inception.
Now that I've gotten my completely off topic portion of this post done, where was I? Oh yes, a not quite great day. Alex once again called in today, it seems he does this anytime we are in our current situation at work, I definately see a pattern here, and potentially unfortunately for Alex, so does Mike. As I swiftly move towards my one year mark in my current position I am indeed thinking about the future, what am I going to do if, (though it does not seem likely) I don't get brought back at the end of my three month layoff period? Thankfully I'll have unemployment, but it's hardly going to be enough to keep me and my small family going, I have at times considered getting a second job, but for now I will simply wait and see. With school I really cannot afford to be working two jobs, not if I want to keep either of them that is.
Speaking of school I've been rather lax, which I feel bad for, however; I am in the position of needing to stretch my lessons out for another 7-8 months. So that I'm not sitting around paying for school that I'm done with, so the hiatus has been useful, but it's time to get back to work. I've found it increasingly hard to focus however; I'm hoping a ritual may help to bring me back to ground so I'm going to be planning that for some time either this week or next
The last grade of a 75 in my last lesson was more than a little disheartening, but I knew math was the area I was going to have the most trouble in. I have yet to find out exactly where I messed up on those questions, but at least I passed the test. I'm hoping that my next few lessons will bring my grade from an 88 back up to the 98 that it was prior to this particular lesson. I dread my technical math class that is the next one I have to deal with, however; at least those text books should explain how to do the problems. If not I'm afraid I may fail this semester. I hate math. To top it off I've never been that good at math, it's never really made much sense to me. I am however; looking forward to my technical literacy and my English comp classes.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Lessons Death has Taught.
This blog post has been floating around in my head for the little over one month since my fathers death and I was sincerely hoping that perhaps putting it into writing would make it stop bringing me to tears especially since it hits the hardest when I'm at work.
I never thought that Saturday evening that I would be telling my father good bye for the last time. I left his bedside as he lay dying in the hospital a day earlier than planned so that I could prepare for an important meeting that I had hoped would lead to an interview. I remember his raspy voice as he said what I was and still am certain was 'go on, don't worry about me.' My response was 'I'll see you on Friday.' That next week was a three day weekend for me because I'd requested a day off work. As expected I went to work on Monday to start the first of a four day week and at 9:45 pm the thought crossed my mind that my father was dying, it was like the realization hit me all at once, it left my breathless but I bit back the tears and continued my work, because thats just how I cope. At 7 am the Tuesday, May 18th I received a call from my adopted aunt that my father had died at 9:45 pm Monday night.
My birth family didn't call me, not even to ensure that I had been informed. If it hadn't been for Pam I never would have known. I made it through an increasingly tense week and weekend and then finally, on Monday I broke down. He had been dead for one week. I finally found out about his wake and as the time came to go I increasingly dreaded it, as much as I wanted to be there for his sake, my religion does not support mourning the dead in such a manner, you are not supposed to gather and weep over their ashes as they are spread, you are to spread them in a place they have requested and then you are to move on to celebrating their life. I wound up not going, in part because of my religion, in part because of the fact that the people I would have been riding with would likely have been drinking beforehand. I still feel horrible about it.
I still haven't really gotten over it, but it has reaffirmed one thing, love goes on beyond the veil, it alone bridges the gap between life and death and lifts one closer to their personal god(dess). I still love him and miss him deeply despite the fact that he was rarely around to begin with. Just knowing that he will never walk me down the aisle, we will never again go camping, or fishing or just plain shooting things. I find it difficult to cry though, in part because he hated crying, he felt it was a waste of energy. I still often times find the pressure building within to just cry, or perhaps scream.
I have nothing left of him but memories, his worldly possessions meager though they were have likely been distributed amongst the rest of the family. As such I am left to simply cherish the memories of a man lost. Though he was no great contributer to humanity, indeed many would look upon him with distaste, he was my father and his actions did shape my world view. My world seems smaller somehow without him despite the growing possibilities that await behind newly opened doors. I continue to pass through these doors in part each step taken a tribute to him. He loved me in his own way, it is a shame it took his death to make me see it.
I never thought that Saturday evening that I would be telling my father good bye for the last time. I left his bedside as he lay dying in the hospital a day earlier than planned so that I could prepare for an important meeting that I had hoped would lead to an interview. I remember his raspy voice as he said what I was and still am certain was 'go on, don't worry about me.' My response was 'I'll see you on Friday.' That next week was a three day weekend for me because I'd requested a day off work. As expected I went to work on Monday to start the first of a four day week and at 9:45 pm the thought crossed my mind that my father was dying, it was like the realization hit me all at once, it left my breathless but I bit back the tears and continued my work, because thats just how I cope. At 7 am the Tuesday, May 18th I received a call from my adopted aunt that my father had died at 9:45 pm Monday night.
My birth family didn't call me, not even to ensure that I had been informed. If it hadn't been for Pam I never would have known. I made it through an increasingly tense week and weekend and then finally, on Monday I broke down. He had been dead for one week. I finally found out about his wake and as the time came to go I increasingly dreaded it, as much as I wanted to be there for his sake, my religion does not support mourning the dead in such a manner, you are not supposed to gather and weep over their ashes as they are spread, you are to spread them in a place they have requested and then you are to move on to celebrating their life. I wound up not going, in part because of my religion, in part because of the fact that the people I would have been riding with would likely have been drinking beforehand. I still feel horrible about it.
I still haven't really gotten over it, but it has reaffirmed one thing, love goes on beyond the veil, it alone bridges the gap between life and death and lifts one closer to their personal god(dess). I still love him and miss him deeply despite the fact that he was rarely around to begin with. Just knowing that he will never walk me down the aisle, we will never again go camping, or fishing or just plain shooting things. I find it difficult to cry though, in part because he hated crying, he felt it was a waste of energy. I still often times find the pressure building within to just cry, or perhaps scream.
I have nothing left of him but memories, his worldly possessions meager though they were have likely been distributed amongst the rest of the family. As such I am left to simply cherish the memories of a man lost. Though he was no great contributer to humanity, indeed many would look upon him with distaste, he was my father and his actions did shape my world view. My world seems smaller somehow without him despite the growing possibilities that await behind newly opened doors. I continue to pass through these doors in part each step taken a tribute to him. He loved me in his own way, it is a shame it took his death to make me see it.
Unusually Good Day
Not entirely sure why it's such a good day, but despite feeling like crap it is just that...a really good day. D will be coming over tonight and as much as I am concerned that things will get ugly the moment we let our guard down, I'm still looking forward to it. Glutton for punishment I guess. But the way I see it, we enjoy each and every moment we get and hope to the gods above that we don't do whatever it is that upset her again. I think the problems she has with us are being resolved but since I've never quite figured out exactly what it is I can't be sure but we can hope that the changes I am making because I feel they are needed will be good enough. I cannot help but still feel like a bad person when I go back over e-mails that were sent to me and it kills me that I don't know exactly what I did and thus I cannot take any real steps to fix it. So, I came to a compromise with myself, fix what I feel needs to be fixed and then take it from there.
On the less scary side of good news, we've been invited to start participating in rituals with another group of pagans in the complex, as nervous as I am about gathering with a bunch of people I don't know I'm really looking forward to it. Finally we have a group of what could become friends other than DMC. They are great after all, but it's kind of depressing to look up and realize that you only have three people you can TRULY relate to. Sure I've got aqcuaintances at work, but that's all they are really, I can't see myself going out of my way to spend a bunch of extra time with them 'just because' because we really don't have THAT much in common.
Getting my altar together is going well, a piece here, a piece there, it won't really pick up again until after three month and vacation is saved for. Oh did I mention? No, I don't think I did, but if we can afford it Kota and I will be heading back down to Cali to go sailing with Captain. I really look forward to it, sure it means likely up to two days working to get Veeg sea ready but I miss the sea so much that it's very very worth it. Wish us luck on that!
On the less scary side of good news, we've been invited to start participating in rituals with another group of pagans in the complex, as nervous as I am about gathering with a bunch of people I don't know I'm really looking forward to it. Finally we have a group of what could become friends other than DMC. They are great after all, but it's kind of depressing to look up and realize that you only have three people you can TRULY relate to. Sure I've got aqcuaintances at work, but that's all they are really, I can't see myself going out of my way to spend a bunch of extra time with them 'just because' because we really don't have THAT much in common.
Getting my altar together is going well, a piece here, a piece there, it won't really pick up again until after three month and vacation is saved for. Oh did I mention? No, I don't think I did, but if we can afford it Kota and I will be heading back down to Cali to go sailing with Captain. I really look forward to it, sure it means likely up to two days working to get Veeg sea ready but I miss the sea so much that it's very very worth it. Wish us luck on that!
Monday, June 4, 2007
One day down, four to go.
Alright, so I had wanted to blog this weekend, it just didn't happen. However; I had a wonderful weekend. I left work at 7, caught the bus off campus at 7:03 and Kota and I were at dinner by 8. We spent more money on the credit card this weekend that we TECHNICALLY should have, but I have yet to make a late payment and I'm not too concerned about it. I've spent so long concerning myself with trying to zero out the balance that I haven't stopped to think about the fact that this is at least current debt. It's money that IS being paid back, I haven't gone over my limit and wont and I'm quickly chipping away at the balance.
Aside from that however; we spent a lovely weekend sitting at home and gaming. Tried to work on school stuff but kept falling asleep after our first unintentional full night up. We lived off pizza and soda and of course the ever present coffee! It was a good weekend. Sure I've been ending every night with a glass or two of baking soda water, but I've been out of my script for a while (and the other stuff I had didn't work very well to begin with and now it's expired.) Pretty much done with the template we've been working on and we'll be working on another one likely starting tomorrow. I intend to bring my text book to work and do some good solid reading during my breaks.
Aside from that however; we spent a lovely weekend sitting at home and gaming. Tried to work on school stuff but kept falling asleep after our first unintentional full night up. We lived off pizza and soda and of course the ever present coffee! It was a good weekend. Sure I've been ending every night with a glass or two of baking soda water, but I've been out of my script for a while (and the other stuff I had didn't work very well to begin with and now it's expired.) Pretty much done with the template we've been working on and we'll be working on another one likely starting tomorrow. I intend to bring my text book to work and do some good solid reading during my breaks.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Happy Friday!
Well, looks like my lucky day. Work is already done for the day and I get to book out of here early. Going to take the hubby out for dinner, sure, not much of a night on the town, but lots of fun considering that normally I'd still be at work. All in all work wise it's been a good week. I get to spend some time just kicking back and relaxing tonight. It's better than spinning around in my chair staring at the ceiling and watching the clock tick slowly by. Alright alright I admit it, I usually don't mind getting paid to do nothing but for some reason...I just wanted to go home. Don't worry, it's not burnout, I think it's just wanting to go home and get some time to be close and truly alone before I come to the great savings race and am no longer able to afford going home early even if I wanted to. Well, readers, goodbye, good night and good weekend and perhaps I might remember to post this weekend.
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